birds

Monday, July 9, 2012

Where I'm Supposed to Be

"You are exactly where you're supposed to be." 

My Dove chocolate wrapper just told me that.  Whoa.  After announcing to you guys, some family and friends, and myself that I'm done with trying, I appreciated the reassurance from Dove. :)

So, yeah.  Last week was a little crazy.  I can't remember what tipped me from "maybe I'll try again" to "no way in hell," and it felt weird putting it all out there.  But it also felt like a great release.  I've found that all kinds of good stuff happens when you open up.  Like finding people to talk about adoption with.  After telling my sister, she met an adoptive parent this week who is super pumped about adoption and would love to talk with me about it.  Yay!

The person who was probably most surprised about my decision is my husband.  Maybe before this week, I hadn't communicated clearly enough that this was coming.  That the pain has made me realize I'm really not cut out to grow a child.  He's reluctant to accept defeat and wants a doctor's opinion about adding a gestation to my pelvic woes.  He also thinks I'm just saying this because I'm miserable right now, and I'll change my mind once my body calms down.  It's possible but I doubt it.  I'm pretty close with my body, and it's told me in no uncertain terms that it doesn't want a uterine occupant.

Like I said before, it's not all about the 4 months of hellish abdominal pain, either.  I kinda wanted to stop trying after my second miscarriage last fall.  I don't want to ever go through that hell again.  I'm not convinced that my uterus is any more inhabitable than it was when it kicked that baby out.  Also, although one miscarriage doesn't increase your odds of another, two miscarriages start making you more likely than the average woman to miscarry.  Avoiding pregnancy started sounding very appealing at last fall.

I had some bad moments last week after my announcement, though.  Moments where I doubted that we'd ever have a child, that we'd never agree on an agency/birthmother/child.  But I think we'll get there.

In general, I feel happier than I've felt in a long time.  I keep thinking my body will reward me for the happy hormones I'm allowing it to produce, all the "I'M RELAXED SO YOU'D BETTER RELAX, DAMN IT" vibes coming its way.  But the pain is still bad.  I played hooky from PT for a while because I felt like it was making the pain worse, but I've started back up again.  I'm going into it a little tougher than before, more Jillian Michaels than Rodney Yee (yoga guru).  I'm due to call my pain doctor again this week and can't wait to interact with the oh-so-helpful triage nurse again. Fun times.

I feel like I've taken back my body and it feels amazing.

It's also nice to have a goal again.  I'm happiest when I have something to work toward, and there's much work to be done on the adoption front.  We know that if we chose to adopt, we'd do domestic, but we don't know a lot beyond that.  I went to a couple of adoption seminars last year so I'm hip to the lingo, but know we wouldn't use either of those agencies.

Hope you guys had a nice weekend!

30 comments:

  1. I am so glad that you are starting to feel happier and more relaxed. It must be such a refreshing and freeing feeling. Good luck with your next goal!! I am interested to hear about your experiences with domestic adoption. It is definitely something that my husband and I have thought about.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is a super freeing feeling! I feel like I'm giving myself an extended (possibly forever) break.

      Delete
  2. Talk about perfect timing with your Dove wrapper! Glad you are feeling happier and can't wait to follow you along the way!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love the Dove wrappers. Dove just gets me. ;)

      Thanks!

      Delete
  3. I hope that the pain lessens for you soon. Hopefully you don't have to wait too long to adopt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I hope the pain lessens for you and me both!

      Delete
  4. Lady, I'm so sorry I didn't comment on your last post regarding your decision to move on to adoption. That said, I'm thrilled for you! And I'm in complete agreement about feeling relief from the decision. Am I sad about the decision, yes. But the anxiety from worrying about TTC and fertility treatments is gone.

    Regarding the whole new stressors: give it time. We're still trying to find an agency and figure out what exactly our route will be. Do I have moments where I'm convinced that I will never be a mom: absolutely. But then there are the moments where Grey and I make some progress forward, be it filling out paperwork or meeting with others in the adoption process and it feels like everything is falling into place. And I'm certain the same thing will happen for you.

    Thinking of you and hoping you get more Dove wrappers like the one you got today very soon. Love and light, lady.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Cristy. I'm definitely feeling overwhelmed but also excited about learning more. I'm glad you're going through this around the same time for the moral support. You also inspire me to get crackin' on the research!

      Delete
  5. I am so happy for you! It sounds like you are at peace and that's a good sign that you are on the right path. Give me a call or email me if you want to talk again or have more questions. I know adoption can seem daunting, but it's not as overwhelming as it seems if you guys take it one step at a time. We are proof that the process does work!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I appreciate your help and encouragement, Ryan! I will definitely be picking your brain.

      Delete
  6. Sorry that I'm so far behind on your news :(... and missed all that you've been through. You sound more peaceful and glad that you've found a decision that feels right for you and your body... it's a hard decision and a brave one. Thinking of you as you head on the adoption path... wonderful news and thinking of you always xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your sweet comment! :) No worries about getting behind on blog reading--happens to me all the time.

      Delete
  7. Yay! Sweetness and light. (Mostly.) You will have to get more chocolate to guide you along the path. Dove is so insightful. ; )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dove really is wise. Another chocolate told me I have a great laugh. HAHA! <- (me checking to see if Dove is right--I think it is)

      Delete
  8. I completely missed your announcement because I was away, but so happy for you ... that you feel like you're taking your body back, and that you feel like you're moving forward again. Sometimes I hate those Dove wrappers. Sometimes they know just what to say. YAY for chocolate, in either case, and cheers for the next leg of the journey.

    BTW, got your lovely card today. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, sometimes the Dove wrappers are super annoying. "Feed your sense of anticipation" really bugs me. What do you think I've been doing all these years? I'm done with feeding my sense of anticipation, Dove.

      Delete
  9. As much as I wish your body could have cooperated with you, I think you have made such an important and brave decision. I am so happy you are feeling relief from everything and that you are more at peace. Hopefully your husband comes around and will be ready with you when the time comes. I wish you nothing but the best in this new journey and hope you find some relief from the pain.
    MissC

    ReplyDelete
  10. Somehow I missed your last post. This journey has been so hard, and I am glad that you have made a choice that you feel at peace with. I can feel the relief oozing from these last two posts.

    I hope that your pain eases soon, and I wish you lots of luck as you plan how to move forward with adoption. I'll continue to keep my fingers crossed for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Sass! I like the way you said that my relief is oozing from the posts...I think they accurately describe how I'm feeling!

      Delete
  11. This is awesome. I had a 2 week grieving/uncertain period following our decision to adopt. It was hard to let go completely. Now that I'm in completely, I couldn't be happier. Parenthood is once again within my grasp. So happy to be on this road with YOU!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok, good to know that you had a period of uncertainty. I think mine and my husband's will be a bit longer than 2 weeks, but we'll figure it out one way or another!

      Delete
  12. Feeling happy with our decisions is I think the sign we've made the right decisions. Bravo for you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's hard to let go in a way and scary to go down another path - on the other hand, the way you are feeling right now is a good sign that you were ready to move on to another goal, another path. It does feel wonderful to not be begging your uterus to do things it won't. Congratulations.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! I'm done with begging and bargaining.

      Delete
  14. Congrats on your decision and your new path. It is amazing how good it can feel to leave one path and head down another.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I dont know what happened to my comment i posted before...but i am so happy for you about your decision. Moving forward is always good. You just never know what the future holds. Just take the pressure off of your body and get what you want! Going to be here for you through it all, can't wait for your successes! :))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :) Thanks! Very excited about finding out what's next.

      Delete