Somewhere along the way, amidst tips about showing how awesome you are as a couple, my friend mentioned that it wouldn't hurt to show a photo of the nursery if we have one. The NURSERY. OMG. The email was chock full of serious, helpful advice, and NURSERY is what I can't get out of my head. Must. Decorate. Nursery.
Of course, we haven't even decided for sure that we're doing adoption. We have NO idea what agency we'd use, or how to start a home study. But now is a good time to be thinking about nursery paint colors, right? Because I can decorate. I can paint a wall, hang a picture, and make a bed. Finding the right agency to connect me with my child is a whole other ballgame and slightly terrifying.
In the vein of avoiding huge decisions like choosing an agency, I took a first step in decorating the nursery. I dug a couple of huge teddy bears out of the closet and set them on a rocking chair with a cute baby-appropriate quilt. They're sitting where I can see them as I walk by and I've been noticing my feelings about them. They aren't freaking me out too much in a "wow, you're overconfident that you're going to have a baby" way, so they're staying there for now.
|Will we be part of a nursery?|
My new baby niece is so precious. We were over at my brother-in-law's house for a total of 5 hours visiting on Sunday, and I held the baby for approximately 4 of those hours. I generously let the mom hold her some, and even let my husband hold her for a tiny bit. I was hoping that my husband's holding her would speed up his manological clock. It's about time he felt some urgency, right?
After I'd gotten my fill of 2-week-old baby adorableness (NOT—give me more babies to hold, STAT), we returned home to news that our neighbors had adopted a newborn baby girl. It was a surprise to us, although not entirely unexpected; we'd speculated for years that they were fellow infertiles.
On Monday night, we inflicted ourselves on the new parents to see the baby and share infertility war stories. Baby was gorgeous and they filled us in on their adoption journey. WOW. I do not know how they persevered because they really went through hell trying to adopt, and that was after several years of infertility.
We've been neighbors with these people for 4 years, had them over for beers numerous times, and didn't realize they going through infertility (beyond our private speculations). It makes me sad. Someone really needs to come up with an infertile handshake that we'd use to identify one another.
So, yeah. Two newborns in 2 days and I've got baby fever BAD.
I am totally seeking validation in my decision to stop TTC. People (not you guys) keep reacting as if I'm making a rash decision based on inadequate data. I get what they're saying to a point, but People, have you not been around the past 4.5 months when I had severe pain every single day? Have you not heard about the five different pain medications I'm taking because none are effective enough on their own? Have you not seen my body morph from fairly athletic to soft and rounded? Have you somehow missed seeing me shuffle around painfully?
I'm irritated because this morning, my PT refused to offer an opinion about my prognosis in terms of pregnancy. She said we wouldn't know anything until I got better from this, just wait and see how it goes, ask your physician, blah blah blah.
Ok, totally not helpful. You are the person probably most intimately aware about my condition, so give me an opinion! Yes or no! Don't tell me I'm a crazy person for thinking that biological kids are out of the question at this point.
Obviously, I'm struggling with being in limbo. I want decisions to be made, action to be taken, and a baby to land in our laps. I'm sick of this waiting crap.
Update (I wrote the PT stuff yesterday): my sister reminded me that my PT doesn't know (or has forgotten) about all the TTC hardships we've experienced, which partly explains her not understanding why we'd stop now. She seems to see my case as being based around my last hysteroscopy, which is only part of the picture.
Most of my stress can probably be attributed to dread about my upcoming doctor's appointment with Dr. Fourth Opinion. If you count the urgent care doctor who tried to troubleshoot with me, this next appointment is the fifth doctor's opinion, but who's counting. Anyway, totally dreading this next appointment. Dreading the unknown; will he give me new information about my condition or just reiterate everything I've already heard, making this a waste of a $40 copay and my morning? Will he agree to take on the pain management aspect of my case? And, most importantly, what does he think carrying a child in my irritable abdomen would do to me?
Maybe I'm most afraid of not getting any answers. I hate limbo. Appointment is Monday.
And now, a baby birdie photo. These are house finches who grew up on my front porch. They're huge and I expect most of them to fledge (leave the nest) today. I am not kidding, our yard is an aviary. This year, on our 0.5-acre lot, we've had visible nests of house finches, bluebirds, cardinals, wrens, and mockingbirds. So cool.
|They tend to sit with their beaks open when it's really hot.|