Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Please Pick Me

Our adoption website went live last week and it's rather terrifying.  TOTALLY did not expect to be so emotional.  I confess that when I heard of the adoption wait as being difficult, I pshawed.  How could it possibly compare to the torture of waiting, cycle after cycle, to see if a period arrived?

It's not really the same beast.  My body isn't involved at all, thank God.  I usually have no idea what cycle day I'm on.  I don't obsessively examine every twinge in my abdomen and hint of nausea.  No need to worry about having sex on certain days.  No more RE visits.

The wait still sucks, though.  Truly.  Since we're doing domestic newborn adoption, we have to wait for a birthmom to choose us.  And day to day, when I go to bed, I feel a sense of rejection that we have not been chosen that day.  Not even been interviewed by phone.  Not been emailed.

I realize I am being slightly ridiculous because our profile has only been up for one week at this point.  And....we have already received one call.  She was perfect and wonderful and I immediately fell for her.  For some reason, I had expected to keep some sort of distance from birthmothers when they called, some kind of protective barrier to keep from being hurt.  The barrier was promptly smashed and I don't think I can possibly hope for distance anymore.

The birthmother called on Friday night and hasn't called again.  I don't have her contact info for various reasons, so I just have to wait.  It feels like waiting on a guy to call times 1000.  Miserable.

Even if she doesn't call back, I know I learned a lot from the call and am better prepared for others.  When she called, we spent most of the time chatting and getting to know one another, and I didn't ask a few critical questions.  Like, will the birthfather sign the consent forms?  Huge question.

So there was that call on Fri, and a hint of a call on Sat night.  Someone from a nearby area code where a lot of birthmoms live called but didn't respond when my husband picked up.  I was gone at book club.  We're realizing that I'm the key player here, not my husband.  We knew the focus would be more on me, we just hadn't realized how much that would be the case.  Which makes rejection even more personal.  UGH.

One reason I hadn't been adequately prepared for the wait is that my sample size of people using this website is very small, and some friends of ours got several calls very quickly.  They're young and awesome and in demand, obviously, and had a baby ONE MONTH after posting their profile.  Yeah.  So it's hard not to feel some bizarre sense of competition, and feeling like we're failing.

Ok, pity party over.  Called my psychiatrist yesterday and we have a plan to deal with my heightened mood lability (ie, crying a lot).  I'm 100% confident that I'll feel a bit better soon.

My heart is with Boston.  This atrocity is so hard to comprehend.  I used to run a lot of races, including half marathons, and made a lot of runner friends.  This is hitting so close to home for them, as many of them have run Boston or aspired to.  I just can't believe this happened.

We posted our adoption website on Facebook and it's so uncomfortable.  It feels like a big declaration of my uterus being faulty (no, have not resolved my anger towards my body), and like we're asking people to endorse us as parents.  Other people get to have sex and then announce a pregnancy a few months later, and  I have to ask people to vote for me as a parent.  Great.

Ok then!  Could not stay our of pity territory for long, oops. :P

Part of my plan to get through the waiting it to stay busy.  My policy is not to turn down any social opportunities, plan lots of weekend activities, etc.  And relish finishing up the nursery.  It is getting close--apparently painting a mural is easier said than done--and I want to enjoy the last of our decorating time.  We WILL have a baby to occupy it, and it will hopefully not be too long from now.