Where I'm Supposed to Be

"You are exactly where you're supposed to be." 

My Dove chocolate wrapper just told me that.  Whoa.  After announcing to you guys, some family and friends, and myself that I'm done with trying, I appreciated the reassurance from Dove. :)

So, yeah.  Last week was a little crazy.  I can't remember what tipped me from "maybe I'll try again" to "no way in hell," and it felt weird putting it all out there.  But it also felt like a great release.  I've found that all kinds of good stuff happens when you open up.  Like finding people to talk about adoption with.  After telling my sister, she met an adoptive parent this week who is super pumped about adoption and would love to talk with me about it.  Yay!

The person who was probably most surprised about my decision is my husband.  Maybe before this week, I hadn't communicated clearly enough that this was coming.  That the pain has made me realize I'm really not cut out to grow a child.  He's reluctant to accept defeat and wants a doctor's opinion about adding a gestation to my pelvic woes.  He also thinks I'm just saying this because I'm miserable right now, and I'll change my mind once my body calms down.  It's possible but I doubt it.  I'm pretty close with my body, and it's told me in no uncertain terms that it doesn't want a uterine occupant.

Like I said before, it's not all about the 4 months of hellish abdominal pain, either.  I kinda wanted to stop trying after my second miscarriage last fall.  I don't want to ever go through that hell again.  I'm not convinced that my uterus is any more inhabitable than it was when it kicked that baby out.  Also, although one miscarriage doesn't increase your odds of another, two miscarriages start making you more likely than the average woman to miscarry.  Avoiding pregnancy started sounding very appealing at last fall.

I had some bad moments last week after my announcement, though.  Moments where I doubted that we'd ever have a child, that we'd never agree on an agency/birthmother/child.  But I think we'll get there.

In general, I feel happier than I've felt in a long time.  I keep thinking my body will reward me for the happy hormones I'm allowing it to produce, all the "I'M RELAXED SO YOU'D BETTER RELAX, DAMN IT" vibes coming its way.  But the pain is still bad.  I played hooky from PT for a while because I felt like it was making the pain worse, but I've started back up again.  I'm going into it a little tougher than before, more Jillian Michaels than Rodney Yee (yoga guru).  I'm due to call my pain doctor again this week and can't wait to interact with the oh-so-helpful triage nurse again. Fun times.

I feel like I've taken back my body and it feels amazing.

It's also nice to have a goal again.  I'm happiest when I have something to work toward, and there's much work to be done on the adoption front.  We know that if we chose to adopt, we'd do domestic, but we don't know a lot beyond that.  I went to a couple of adoption seminars last year so I'm hip to the lingo, but know we wouldn't use either of those agencies.

Hope you guys had a nice weekend!