Hi there, those of you who are ICLWers new to my blog! I'm a 35-year-old infertile, TTC #1 with two miscarriages and an inhospitable uterus. My focus lately is severe pelvic pain that's been around since a surgery 4 months ago. My husband and I are starting to think seriously about adoption.
Today was the big day. My appointment with Dr. Fourth Opinion, the man who has all my hopes and dreams riding on his shoulders. Poor guy.
He was really great. Spent a ton of time with me, really listened, had an excellent bedside manner, and seemed very competent. Also young. No offense to any young'uns around here, but this guy was probably born in the '80's and it makes me feel old to be at the age where my doctors are younger than I am.
He agreed with everything my previous doctors have said about the causes of this pain. I don't know if I'm really describing it accurately, but it has to do with pelvic floor muscle spasms. The spasms cause trigger points in my upper abdomen, giving me horrible burning pain below my ribs. The pain migrates around and is now worst in my lower pelvis, where the pain is both dull and burning. Burning is symptommatic of neuropathic pain, which I admit I don't entirely understand. Isn't all pain related to nerves firing?
Anyway, I asked Dr. Fourth Opinion The Big Question, namely what is his prognosis, particularly around a possible pregnancy. Am I foolish for considering pregnancy after all of my body's freak-outs? His answer terrified me. He said my prognosis was great, that he expects a full recovery, and a pregnancy would probably not make anything worse. Shit.
Just when I think I've got it all figured out, Dr. F.O. throws a curveball. Part of me really wants to be done with this chapter, as you all know. But on the two days a month that I'm feeling reasonably good, I think about pregnancy. I want it. I wasn't expecting the desire to grow a baby to switch off entirely, at least during my childbearing years, but when a physician tells me that it might be possible....I pretty much ovulate on the spot.
So, that's about it. Dealing with lots of mixed feelings. My big family-building decisions need to be put on hold for now until I really start getting better. I'll continue to research adoption as much as possible, also keeping in mind that the biological route is not out of the question. Grr. Back to in-betweenness where the main thing I have to do is wait. Wait and heal.
Dr. F.O. added a tricyclic antidepressant to my medication cocktail. He said his clinic likes to use tricylics and Cymbalta to treat the types of pain I'm having. I can stay on Prozac, which is very good because withdrawing from it would give me a 3-month hangover.
I will also be seeing a new physical therapist whom Dr. F.O. highly recommends. I was feeling wishy-washy about mine, anyway, so I'll look forward to seeing someone else. I mean, as much as you can look forward to the eleventieth medical appointment you've had since the beginning of the year.
I imagine some people reading this are like, "Just freakin adopt and be done with it." I'm even telling myself to just adopt. I KNOW. I know and also don't know from lack of experience how difficult the adoption process can be, but there is something very attractive about starting a different difficult process. One that doesn't involve my body. And yet, it is so expensive. Depressingly expensive. And difficult. I can't even begin to express all my thoughts about adoption vs TTC right here, right now.
Phew. This felt really good to write. Your comments about my last few posts have been so helpful. Some of you have said that choosing to adopt is not necessarily closing the door on a biological child, and I appreciate that reminder. Starting to research adoption is bringing me so much hope, so many daydreams about nurseries, and I'm so lucky to have your support along the way.