Endings and Beginnings

I've started and deleted this post three or four times because I'm not sure how to say this, but I think I've reached the end of the road with trying to conceive.

Instead of feeling bereaved, I feel light.  My husband and I are talking about adoption and I'm excited to see what it holds for us. 

Oddly enough, I'm not grieving.  I think it's because I've already grieved this loss for a very long time.  Most recently, miscarriage #2 felt like our last chance slipping away.  After that, my heart really wasn't in TTC, but I thought I'd try for at least one more pregnancy.  If I miscarried again, that would be it. 

Then the chronic pain started and changed everything.  I kept thinking the pain would be gone tomorrow, or after my period ended, or at least by the time of my 3D sonogram.  But 4 months later, I don't feel much closer to getting better. 

Several month ago, sometime around miscarriage #2, a post by a childfree blogger (forgive me for forgetting whom) resonated with me.  She said that at one point, she would have given her right arm for a baby.  I found myself nodding my head because that was me.  Up until around the time of my second miscarriage, I would have given my right arm for a child.  And like that blogger, I wouldn't anymore.

I never imagined myself saying this, but in some ways, the pain has been a gift.  It's reminded me to value my health, to cherish my ability to do yoga and take walks.  Not knowing when I will get better is terrifying, but once I do, I'll do everything in my power to stay that way.

I never would have predicted that this is what the end of this phase looks like.  I always thought it would involve several IUIs, a couple of IVFs, or more miscarriages.  But my pain, the little minx, brought an entirely different way to find the end.

I reserve the right to change my mind about all of this, but I'm pretty sure this is it.  I can see my husband and me being happy together in a number of situations, and I really see how lucky we are to have each other.

I feel like a different person lately—one who doesn't scowl at pregnant women.  Yesterday, we went to the hospital to see my new niece and I was fine.  I can't wait to see her again, actually.  Who am I?  Last year at this time when the niece's older brother was born, I wanted nothing to do with him.  I would ask my therapist how to avoid holding him.

I'm sure we have a tough road ahead of us, but I refuse to make it any tougher on my body.  I feel empowered knowing that my body will not be my RE's experiment anymore.  No more drugs, surgeries, or miscarriages.  No more months of mourning my period's arrival.  I will be healthy for my child(ren).