I've started and deleted this post three or four times because I'm not sure how to say this, but I think I've reached the end of the road with trying to conceive.
Instead of feeling bereaved, I feel light. My husband and I are talking about adoption and I'm excited to see what it holds for us.
Oddly enough, I'm not grieving. I think it's because I've already grieved this loss for a very long time. Most recently, miscarriage #2 felt like our last chance slipping away. After that, my heart really wasn't in TTC, but I thought I'd try for at least one more pregnancy. If I miscarried again, that would be it.
Then the chronic pain started and changed everything. I kept thinking the pain would be gone tomorrow, or after my period ended, or at least by the time of my 3D sonogram. But 4 months later, I don't feel much closer to getting better.
Several month ago, sometime around miscarriage #2, a post by a childfree blogger (forgive me for forgetting whom) resonated with me. She said that at one point, she would have given her right arm for a baby. I found myself nodding my head because that was me. Up until around the time of my second miscarriage, I would have given my right arm for a child. And like that blogger, I wouldn't anymore.
I never imagined myself saying this, but in some ways, the pain has been a gift. It's reminded me to value my health, to cherish my ability to do yoga and take walks. Not knowing when I will get better is terrifying, but once I do, I'll do everything in my power to stay that way.
I never would have predicted that this is what the end of this phase looks like. I always thought it would involve several IUIs, a couple of IVFs, or more miscarriages. But my pain, the little minx, brought an entirely different way to find the end.
I reserve the right to change my mind about all of this, but I'm pretty sure this is it. I can see my husband and me being happy together in a number of situations, and I really see how lucky we are to have each other.
I feel like a different person lately—one who doesn't scowl at pregnant women. Yesterday, we went to the hospital to see my new niece and I was fine. I can't wait to see her again, actually. Who am I? Last year at this time when the niece's older brother was born, I wanted nothing to do with him. I would ask my therapist how to avoid holding him.
I'm sure we have a tough road ahead of us, but I refuse to make it any tougher on my body. I feel empowered knowing that my body will not be my RE's experiment anymore. No more drugs, surgeries, or miscarriages. No more months of mourning my period's arrival. I will be healthy for my child(ren).