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Monday, July 2, 2012

Endings and Beginnings

I've started and deleted this post three or four times because I'm not sure how to say this, but I think I've reached the end of the road with trying to conceive.

Instead of feeling bereaved, I feel light.  My husband and I are talking about adoption and I'm excited to see what it holds for us. 

Oddly enough, I'm not grieving.  I think it's because I've already grieved this loss for a very long time.  Most recently, miscarriage #2 felt like our last chance slipping away.  After that, my heart really wasn't in TTC, but I thought I'd try for at least one more pregnancy.  If I miscarried again, that would be it. 

Then the chronic pain started and changed everything.  I kept thinking the pain would be gone tomorrow, or after my period ended, or at least by the time of my 3D sonogram.  But 4 months later, I don't feel much closer to getting better. 

Several month ago, sometime around miscarriage #2, a post by a childfree blogger (forgive me for forgetting whom) resonated with me.  She said that at one point, she would have given her right arm for a baby.  I found myself nodding my head because that was me.  Up until around the time of my second miscarriage, I would have given my right arm for a child.  And like that blogger, I wouldn't anymore.

I never imagined myself saying this, but in some ways, the pain has been a gift.  It's reminded me to value my health, to cherish my ability to do yoga and take walks.  Not knowing when I will get better is terrifying, but once I do, I'll do everything in my power to stay that way.

I never would have predicted that this is what the end of this phase looks like.  I always thought it would involve several IUIs, a couple of IVFs, or more miscarriages.  But my pain, the little minx, brought an entirely different way to find the end.

I reserve the right to change my mind about all of this, but I'm pretty sure this is it.  I can see my husband and me being happy together in a number of situations, and I really see how lucky we are to have each other.

I feel like a different person lately—one who doesn't scowl at pregnant women.  Yesterday, we went to the hospital to see my new niece and I was fine.  I can't wait to see her again, actually.  Who am I?  Last year at this time when the niece's older brother was born, I wanted nothing to do with him.  I would ask my therapist how to avoid holding him.

I'm sure we have a tough road ahead of us, but I refuse to make it any tougher on my body.  I feel empowered knowing that my body will not be my RE's experiment anymore.  No more drugs, surgeries, or miscarriages.  No more months of mourning my period's arrival.  I will be healthy for my child(ren).

31 comments:

  1. I'm so happy that you have made a decision you feel good about. There is a philosophical part of me that believes that the universe selects which soul goes into whose keeping. Adoption is an amazing process because it achieves that: it brings two (or 3) or more utterly removed people and makes them a family. I wish you all the luck and speed with this process!

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    1. Thanks, Jay! There are non-scientific parts of me, too, that think our baby will end up with us.

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  2. You are a brave woman. I am so proud of you for taking the step to putting your health and sanity first. This is such a hard decision and I can easily imagine what it would take to make it. I know others who have come to this decision and it does take a huge weight off your shoulders. I wish you all the luck in the world in this next phase and hope that this decision will continue to bring you more light.

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    1. Thanks, Alissa! The decision doesn't seem quite as monumental because it's been percolating my brain for some time now. But it's still big. It does take a huge weight off.

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  3. That's a huge decision, I'm so glad you feel at peace about it! I think choosing adoption is an amazing thing and I hope and pray that this road will be easier than trying to conceive has. And hopefully your body will enjoy the rest from medication, surgeries etc.!

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    1. Thanks, Becky! At least this will be a different variety of hard, I'm hoping.

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  4. We are all here for you during each phase. I'm glad you are feeling light and free from this decision. It's a tough one but only one you can come to after as much thought hope and pain as you have put into it. I was reading Chapters blog today about adoption and what Amy said teally resonated with me. Have you read it? I was also nearing that fork in my road and know the lightness that comes from moving on. I can imaging how great it feels to put the TTC mess behind you completely. To better things coming your way! :)

    And of course you reseve the right to change your mind. You never know how life changes and your body may heal with this new outlook that has lightened your mood.

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    1. Wow, thanks for directing me to Chapters! I hadn't been on her blog before and that post was so inspiring. Thanks for your support, Lanie!

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    2. It's a gem of a blog. One of my favs. :)

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  5. Your last line gave me chills. I have only been following your story for a short bit, but I am so happy for you that you have made the decision that is best for You and your family. Can't wait to be here for you with the next steps...

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  6. I'm so happy you have found peace with this decision. I think by handing things over to the universe - it will have a way of taking care of you. Sometimes when we just release, and stop trying to control the situation, everything turns out in the end. I'm sorry to hear you are still in pain - I can't wait for the post where you proclaim "I'm FINALLY PAIN FREE!!"

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    1. YES. I can't wait for the day when I'm pain free!

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  7. My heart is so full for you. I very much connect with this post. Once I had my surgery, something sort of clicked in me and I stopped being *desperate* for a child. I feel for where you are right now and think I could be there someday too. I am excited for the next phase in your life and will continue following your story :-)

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    1. Aw, thanks. Yeah, it's kinda nice when the desperation feeling dissipates, huh?

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  8. Oh hun, I know this feeling, been battling it over the last month. . . I am so happy that you are finding that "peaceful place" within yourself :) Much love you you <3

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  9. Of COURSE you reserve the right to change your mind, that goes without saying (although I know that when I feel like I am telling people about a decision I am afraid of what they'll think if I change my mind.) But it is wonderful that you have come to a place where you can make a plan that feels GOOD, instead of one that feels like such a burden. I'm glad you feel lighter now. It sounds like you are moving in a positive and healthy direction. I hope your body continues to heal as you start this new process!

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    1. Thanks, Robin! That's exactly it--I felt like telling people meant that I couldn't change my mind. Which I know is ridiculous.

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  10. I too was like you and wanted to have a baby so bad and went through multiple miscarriages, ectopis and numerous fertility treatments. I finally accepted it wasn't meant to be for us to have a biological child and we adopted our son 2.5 years ago at birth and he is the most amazing gift and now we know why we went through all that we did.God has a plan for us all sometimes we fight against it but in the end the outcome will be. Adoption is amazing, it takes alot of patience and faith but know that your child is out there waiting for you. Enjoy this time with your husband now as a child changes everything, its very challenging but a great gift. Best of luck on your journey!

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    1. Wow, thanks for sharing your story! You give me hope. Thanks for your comment!

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  11. What a beautiful, hopeful, empowering post. As I read this, I absolutely felt that this is the right decision for you right now. You've been through so much pain (emotional and physical), I'm glad that you're going to put your energies into getting well. It's the best thing you can do for your future children. :)

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    1. Thanks, Jenny! I'm glad it doesn't seem like it's a rash, out-of-left-field decision. It definitely feels right to me.

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  12. It sounds like you have made the perfect decision for you and your man. I am so glad to hear hope and light in your "voice." :) I agree 100% that your health is way more important than anything else. So happy for you.

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  13. Totally understandable. I often talk about "this is it" because the pain of the endometriosis gets to be too much. I hope that your new path leads you to only happiness.

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    1. Yep--I know you get it. We've put ourselves through so much already!

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  14. This post made me happy. Because you sound so relieved. In my experience, that's when we know the decision is right. Wishing you the very best.

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    1. Thanks! Yes, the relief is sweet and I'm enjoying every minute of it.

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  15. Here's to Endings and Beginnings... Closing (but not locking) this door opens you up to so many wonderful possibilities!!! Not the least of which is pain free parenthood! So proud of you for having the strength and courage to say enough is enough, and embrace a new, exciting path. You know how to find me if there is anything I can do... anytime!

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  16. I am so excited for you. There is so much happiness right around the corner - the best is yet to come!!!

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