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Monday, July 23, 2012

Dr. Fourth Opinion Throws a Curve

Hi there, those of you who are ICLWers new to my blog!  I'm a 35-year-old infertile, TTC #1 with two miscarriages and an inhospitable uterus.  My focus lately is severe pelvic pain that's been around since a surgery 4 months ago.  My husband and I are starting to think seriously about adoption.

Today was the big day.  My appointment with Dr. Fourth Opinion, the man who has all my hopes and dreams riding on his shoulders.  Poor guy. 

He was really great.  Spent a ton of time with me, really listened, had an excellent bedside manner, and seemed very competent.  Also young.  No offense to any young'uns around here, but this guy was probably born in the '80's and it makes me feel old to be at the age where my doctors are younger than I am.

He agreed with everything my previous doctors have said about the causes of this pain.  I don't know if I'm really describing it accurately, but it has to do with pelvic floor muscle spasms.  The spasms cause trigger points in my upper abdomen, giving me horrible burning pain below my ribs.  The pain migrates around and is now worst in my lower pelvis, where the pain is both dull and burning. Burning is symptommatic of neuropathic pain, which I admit I don't entirely understand.  Isn't all pain related to nerves firing?

Anyway, I asked Dr. Fourth Opinion The Big Question, namely what is his prognosis, particularly around a possible pregnancy.  Am I foolish for considering pregnancy after all of my body's freak-outs?  His answer terrified me.  He said my prognosis was great, that he expects a full recovery, and a pregnancy would probably not make anything worse.  Shit.

Just when I think I've got it all figured out, Dr. F.O. throws a curveball.  Part of me really wants to be done with this chapter, as you all know.  But on the two days a month that I'm feeling reasonably good, I think about pregnancy.  I want it.  I wasn't expecting the desire to grow a baby to switch off entirely, at least during my childbearing years, but when a physician tells me that it might be possible....I pretty much ovulate on the spot.

So, that's about it.  Dealing with lots of mixed feelings.  My big family-building decisions need to be put on hold for now until I really start getting better.  I'll continue to research adoption as much as possible, also keeping in mind that the biological route is not out of the question.  Grr.  Back to in-betweenness where the main thing I have to do is wait.  Wait and heal.

Dr. F.O. added a tricyclic antidepressant to my medication cocktail.  He said his clinic likes to use tricylics and Cymbalta to treat the types of pain I'm having.  I can stay on Prozac, which is very good because withdrawing from it would give me a 3-month hangover.

I will also be seeing a new physical therapist whom Dr. F.O. highly recommends.  I was feeling wishy-washy about mine, anyway, so I'll look forward to seeing someone else.  I mean, as much as you can look forward to the eleventieth medical appointment you've had since the beginning of the year.

I imagine some people reading this are like, "Just freakin adopt and be done with it."  I'm even telling myself to just adopt.  I KNOW.  I know and also don't know from lack of experience how difficult the adoption process can be, but there is something very attractive about starting a different difficult process.  One that doesn't involve my body.  And yet, it is so expensive.  Depressingly expensive.  And difficult.  I can't even begin to express all my thoughts about adoption vs TTC right here, right now.

Phew.  This felt really good to write.  Your comments about my last few posts have been so helpful.  Some of you have said that choosing to adopt is not necessarily closing the door on a biological child, and I appreciate that reminder.  Starting to research adoption is bringing me so much hope, so many daydreams about nurseries, and I'm so lucky to have your support along the way.

42 comments:

  1. Well this definitely opens a new door on your decisions to go forward. Lots of stuff to think about and consider.

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  2. I don't think it's crazy that after a doctor gives you news like that your mind is thrown for a loop. I don't know what I would do in your shoes. You have been through so much and are still going through so much. :/

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    1. Thanks, Robin. :) Just when I think I'm getting somewhere decision-wise...

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  3. Sorry I haven't commented in forever but I've been keeping up with your blog. I'm so hopeful for you and this doctor sounds amazing! Whichever route you choose, bio or adoption...or both!...I've got everything crossed that your dreams will come true! Now off with this pain!

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    1. Thank you! Good docs you really click with are hard to find.

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  4. I'm sorry the fourth opinion didn't help solidify your decision one way or the other. I know how much that sucks. But there is hope! You can continue to explore adoption while working on healing and then see how you feel when you truly reach a "decision must be made" point. I am praying that the path you are meant to take becomes increasingly clear to you!

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    1. You're totally right. I need to relax (different from "just relax"ing :P ) into this space of information gathering, healing, etc.

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  5. My thoughts are with you and hubby right now as you process allnthis new information. At least you know all your options are open! Hoping your two days of pain relief a month turns into two days of pain ... And that too goes away!

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  6. Adoption is a whole new bag and fraught with its on sets of heartache. I am pulling for you with all my might. I like the doctor's enthusiasm and want very much for this family building business to be straight forward for you. Healing thoughts for your bits!

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  7. Personally, it was a HUGE relief for me to move on to adoption. We chose not to pursue treatments, I just believed in my heart that they wouldn't work for me, and it felt like a waste of time. Adoption has its own set of stresses, but for me, it was the right option. I hope you find some clarity soon.

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    1. That's good to hear, that you felt a lot of relief when you chose to pursue adoption. Thanks for your comment!

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  8. I hope you are able to figure out a good path for you and your DH. You sound like me with my eleventy billion appointments! It's nice to be treated for all our issues though - good luck to you!

    ICLW #27

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    1. Thanks, Ducky! Ugh, I'm sorry you have a million appointments, too.

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  9. Just when you thought you had a plan! I know that it seems like more options should only be a good thing, but I also know that it must be an additional source of stress.

    I hope that this doctor is able to find a cure to all your pain and that this part of your journey ends soon, so that no matter what you decide to do next, you can do it without this pain.

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    1. Thanks, sass. More options are scary! But I know they're a good thing.

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  10. Damn. Happy that Dr. F.O. offered up some hope ... I so hope that he is able to really help ... not just give you relief. I'm also glad that you saw someone with a good beside manner. When I met my endocrinologist, that was how I felt, after years of miscarrying ... and I credit him with the successful pregnancy that led to the birth of my daughter. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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    1. Aw. Maybe this doctor is a big step closer to our child. Thanks!

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  11. I really love my RE, and since everything about this journey is so difficult, it's so good to hear a doctor tell you that they have hope. When you get so accustomed to hearing bad news, it's very easy to lose sight of. Wishing you the very best with whatever you decide to do. xoxo

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    1. You hit the nail on the head--I'm not used to hearing good news. That never happens to people like us.

      Thanks for your support!

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  12. I feel your pain!!! The keep saying I can get pregnant it's male factor but it's so hard to decided to A go with IVF in general and B the money. Hang in there!!

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, IVF is such a huge step. I can imagine it would be very difficult to decide to move forward with it.

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  13. I know it brought you some relief to think of this decision as done, but I have to agree that looking into adoption can't hurt, especially if in this waiting holding pattern anyway. Ease the pain of idleness with doing SOMETHING, and if the more you look into the better it sounds, terrific, and if not, that's progress too. You don't ever have to seal shut the door to trying to get pregnant again, just kinda hang a blanket over the door for a while and see what comes up in the meantime, right? I was all about multiple prongs in the fire, even if just mentally playing out scenarios in my head, seeing what I warmed up too and what I didn't. None of these are quick and easy decisions, so be kind to yourself and take whatever time you need to work it through, eh?

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    1. Yeah, you're totally right. Researching adoption is free and makes me feel like I'm doing something, getting somewhere. I have this teeny problem with seeing things dichotomously--"I need to decide yes or no on the pregnancy questions RIGHT NOW." Which obviously is not the case.

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  14. I think the best thing you can do is just to go with your gut instinct, if you feel deep down that you're not ready to adopt, or that you want to have one more try at a bio baby then you just have to do what you feel. I fully believe that we will all know our limits and will one day know when/if adoption is right for us, when we know that we will be able to be the best adoptive parents to our future babies. Good luck with your journey! ICLW #54

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, I'm trying to feel out what my gut is telling me. It keeps changing its mind, though.

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  15. So I am definitely not saying "Just adopt and be done with it"! If Dr. F O believes you can recover fully from this and have a successful pregnancy, then that's great news! The limbo and waiting part, not so much.
    I agree that pursuing adoption doesn't have to mean Door Closed on any chance of bio baby once your body is ready. But it is a lot to tackle at the same time. If you guys feel that bring proactive while you are healing would be good for you, then go for it!
    I know pretty much everything is easier said than done right now. And all of these huge decisions weigh on you every day. I am so hopeful that this new clinic, new MD and PT, and new meds will all be the keys to your healing.

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    1. Thanks. :) Agh, waiting. Tired of it. I do think being proactive is going to help me, make me happy that I'm doing something.

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  16. Hi :) Here from ICLW! I have to admit your line "when a physician tells me that it might be possible....I pretty much ovulate on the spot" totally cracked me up :D Seriously, though, I've dealt with a lot of pelvic pain in my life...mostly in 2009, but it was pretty debilitating. Burning I get, too...ugh. Do I ever. And yes, burning does have to do with the nerves. DH & I are adopting and I admit there was a certain relief when we quit TTC and focused on adoption instead. But it is true that the desire to get pregnant and give birth to a child of your own flesh and blood still has not gone away and from what I've heard never completely does. I don't know if that helps or not - I guess I'm just saying, if you do decide to go the adoption route, it's TOTALLY natural to grieve not getting pregnant and not giving birth and to grieve the loss of the dream of the child you didn't get. But it's also totally OKAY to be relieved and happy about adoption! All the best :)

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    1. Thank you for visiting! I hadn't heard of anyone else having burning pelvic pain. I'm sorry you've dealth with it, too. It's such an odd sensation and very painful.

      Thanks for your thoughts on adoption. I'm glad I'm not alone!

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  17. Hi from ICLW! I must admit I giggled when you mentioned people probably think you should just adopt and be done with it. We are going on year two of our adoption wait. The entire process is emotionally exhausting (at least for us). We just finished our second homestudy update and I slept for the entire next day. That being said, we also recently found out we could try again. We didn't think it was a possibility. We're going to start TTC in the next couple months and have no intentions of removing ourselves from the waiting list either. If we are lucky enough to have two babies in the next year, then I will be one happy mama!

    ~Kerry @ Our New Normal
    www.our-new-normal.com

    Good luck!

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    1. That's great! Really wonderful that you've been given the go-ahead to TTC again. I'm sorry adoption has been so draining for you so far and I hope you don't have much longer to wait.

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  18. Nobody (here anyway) is going to tell you to just adopt! We all know how tough this decision is. Youre kind of between a rock and a hard place right now. It makes this decision all the more difficut to have more doors open for you. I m thrilled for your new prognosis though. Its nice to have a little hope. Maybe for child number two or maybe life will just resolve things for you. :) nice to know your body wont retailiate forever.

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    1. Thanks, Lanie. Who knew that good news about my health would make more confused?

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  19. My husband and I had yet another talk about where our family goals are going just last night. I know that its a really personal decision to make and even your spouse might have his own ideas too. Right now we are still hoping to try with our own DNA but are considering donor eggs and adoption in our own near future. Wishing you more pain free days...lordy how I know how the pain just eats up our days!

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    1. Yep, this requires a lot of husband/wife communication to figure out next steps.

      May we both be pain-free soon!

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  20. I just hope that there are pain free days in your future. What you are going through right now sounds horrible.

    My parents did a combination of figuring out how to have their own biological kids and adoption - neither one was an "easy" choice. Good luck with figuring it all out.

    ICLW #33

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    1. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the support! It's good to hear about couples who have had more than one iron in the fire.

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  21. Wishing you pain free days in the future. It is not crazy to be thrown for a loop. We have been thrown for so many loops in this process. Wishing you peaces.

    An ICLW Visit from #63
    liddy @ the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, 1st 2ww)

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  22. I agree with so many of your posts including Magic Mike was dumb :) I have been on both sides. We went through three years of infertility and we are adopting. Both are hard. Both are expensive. My advice is to follow your heart and not your feelings. My feelings were full of fear and doubt. My heart had the desire to adopt. As Christians, we don't believe God's plan is for me to be infertile, but we do believe that He will bring good from it. We stopped praying "I want to be pregnant" and started praying "I want a family". The hardest thing to do was remember I already have one and to enjoy the ones that have been placed into my life. Praying for you.

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