I'm pretty sure my therapist lied to me.
She has many good qualities. She's a lovely, highly intelligent person who feels more like a good friend, albeit one with an intimate knowledge of infertility psychology, than a therapist. Once a year, she leads a series of group sessions based on Alice Domar's research. I attended the series last spring and continued receiving individual therapy from her after it ended. I cannot begin to describe the many ways she's helped me.
However, despite her extensive scholarship and experience, I can't help but question some of her nuggets of infertility wisdom. The one that's bugging me lately is about how other women's fertility does not affect mine. Having babies, she says, is not a zero sum game in which I have to remain childless in order for some other woman to have her baby or babies. My scientific training tells me she's correct, but there are times I question it. Like when I found out last week that my husband's brother's wife is pregnant with baby #5.
This will be their fifth baby in 6 years. Their children are wonderful and of course I'm happy for them. Heck, if they keep having them at this rate, maybe they'll even loan us a kid or two. However, it also makes me sad about my lack of babies, and it's not the first time a pregnancy of hers has done that. The announcement of pregnancy #3 provoked a weekend-long crying jag that was my husband's first glimpse of how baby crazed I was. We weren't even trying at the time but I was—surprise, honey!—quite ready to start. (For the record, I only cried for one night this time! Progress.)
My husband's brother isn't the only genetic relation of ours to be amazingly fruitful. My sister is so fertile I thought surely by virtue of sharing half of her genes, I'd be at least half as fertile. Are our siblings using up our family's fertility allotment? Outside our family, am I the token infertile friend who has to fulfill some pre-ordained percentage of infertiles in my sphere? My rational mind accepts that my fertility (or lack thereof) is independent of others', but there's still a little niggling place in the back of my brain that doesn't accept it.
p.s. Thank you so much for your Liebster blog nominations. I am putting together a post about it. Family obligations over Thanksgiving kept me out of blogging for a while.
I love this post. Although my sister is as infertile as I am (although she never sought treatment and decided not to have children) it seems like among my friends, I am one of the last token infertiles. I guess someone has the fulfill the statistic. Right? :) I also know, in reality, it isn't true. But it f&*king feels true! Grrr.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the announcement. I'm hugging you from here!
you crack me up about the therapist. And i'm sorry to hear about all the uber-fertiles around you. It truly, truly isn't fair.
ReplyDeleteI feel that way too sometimes. Like if 1 in 8 women suffer infertility, I am that one. I am taking up that spot. In fact, I may be taking up more than one spot because none of my other friends are infertile. I do have a family member or two (extended), but they both had children.
ReplyDeleteEveryone else in my life is fertile myrtile and it makes me sick sometimes.
MissConception
How the hell does she know it's not a zero sum game? Did she personally order the universe? I'm definitely not ruling that out. In fact, at this point, to me, it's the only logical explanation! :)
ReplyDeleteYears ago, 15 actually, I would feel really slighted when a friend or family member would get pregnant without really "trying". Now I realize that it just happens for some easily and others like me, not so easily. Its not God, its not any particular religious beliefs that make one more fertile than another, it just happens randomly. I've seen plenty of infertiles with the same issues as me get their BFPs while I still wait here and hope I'll get mine. Its annoying but still I'm happy for them and yet sad at the same time that I'm still waiting it out.
ReplyDeleteI know logically that someone else's pregnancy didn't take anything away from me. But it's hard to think logically when your heart is broken.
ReplyDeleteYou must simply absorb the abundance of thanks from the fruitful for taking the statistical bullet. Let them know green is the black and cash is always welcome.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that the fecund have prospered again, when your hearts desire seems out if reach. It's beyond unfair. Worthy of all sorts of tears.
Sometime I too feel as though I am fulfilling the infertility statistic or the miscarriage statistic (as I have always seemed to get pregnant around 2 other women - so I'm 1 in 3 who miscarry). Just waiting for it to be our turn to procreate and be happy!
ReplyDeleteOh, I JUST had this thought two days ago when thinking about someone who got pregnant around me and I'm in my 2WW. I had to remind myself that her pregnancy doesn't mean that I don't get it, we aren't fighting for the same pregnancy (like a job position or scholarship or something like that!) It's hard not to think that, though.
ReplyDeleteOh what a great honest post! I know we're not supposed to play the comparison game... but it's really hard not to. There is a story in the Bible about a lady who is infertile (there's quite a few of them in there) and her husband's other wife (that happened a lot too) would rub it in her face and tease her about it. That doesn't happen nowadays outwardly... but I think all of us who struggle have felt symbolically like we've been ousted many times.
ReplyDeleteICLW 89. I never felt like it was a zero sum game, but then 3 out my 6 closest girlfriends also ended up dealing with if. I still cried myself to sleep the night my SIL brought u/s pics to dinner after we had been trying for 2 years, though.
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