Tuesday, November 22, 2011

It's Your Turn...Maybe

Welcome, November ICLWers!  Here's a quickie version of my not-so-reproductive history:  trying over 2 years, 2 miscarriages (1 recent), currently pursuing repeated pregnancy loss testing and a surgery to remove a uterine septum.

After a disappointing appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist last week, I gave my mom the status report:  6-week wait until surgery and some unknown amount of time to heal after that.  My mom said hopefully, "Well, after the surgery, things should go fine."  Translation:  You'll get pregnant immediately, you won't miscarry, and you'll have a baby 9 months after that.  Some people tell you things will be fine to brush you off, but I don't think that was her intention.  I think she either actually feels optimistic or is trying to use the power of positive thinking on my reproductive organs.  She had a similar hopeful reaction after my first miscarriage almost 2 years ago, telling me she thought I'd have a baby by Christmas.  Of course, the timing would have been impossible unless I'd gotten pregnant immediately (ha!) and delivered early.

How do you feel about people telling you that surely your next [vacation/surgery/IVF] is gonna result in a baby?  I used to feel hopeful right along with them but admit I don't anymore.  Miscarriage #2 destroyed my sense that everything's gonna be ok.  During that pregnancy, I was sure it was finally my turn.  I thought I'd reached my miscarriage quota, that I'd put in my time with infertility and loss.  It turns out there isn't a limit to the number of miscarriages you can have.  There's no cosmic fairness meter doling out infertility and loss evenly—it's just unfair.  Optimism and a sense that it's your turn don't get you a baby.   

On a more positive note, part of you has to believe the next cycle will be The One or you'll go out of your mind.   I want to believe that removing my septum is the magic bullet—that I'll heal perfectly, get pregnant soon after, and meet my baby 9 months after that.  I guess the difference between my mom and me is that I don't dare voice that optimism—it's too hard when it doesn't work out.  It seems naive to say "things should go fine" from this point forward.  If it was as easy as saying and thinking that, they would have gone fine many, many months ago.


  1. Hi there - here on my return visit from ICLW :)
    I'm so sorry your journey has been so hard, and about your miscarriage. One has been tough for me, I cannot even imagine how hard it has to be to go through this again.
    My husband also does the optimism thing, which I think is really sweet, but it's really hard to keep being optimistic. Or to let that small optimistic part out into the light.
    I'm definitely keeping my fingers crossed for your mom to be right!

  2. I always want to think positive but there are days its just hopeless. Unless those making the comments, "you'll get pregnant next try", have a looking glass into the future they need to smarten up and realize that in fact it might not happen that easily.

  3. I TOTALLY know how you feel about everyone saying "it will happen". Their false positivism makes me so mad! Worse off when we did get pregnant and my mother said "See I told you! Just stop trying!" Right mom - that's the reason. I too have the same pessimism about pregnancy. When I got pregnant the 2nd time - I thought the world was going our way for once. When we miscarried, I no longer hold the same positive attitude. We can only hope that our day will be soon!

  4. Even my therapist said something like this to me today. You are right, there is no guarantee that this will all turn out well. But, I'm still going to cross all my fingers and toes for you that the septum repair WILL be it for you. If it isn't, I'll still be here to support you. :)

  5. Thank you for commenting on my blog. Hope can be difficult when you have been disappointed so many times. I totally get it. Of course, there's no point in being pessimistic either, in fact, it can be detrimental to your mental health. Do what you need to do for yourself.

    ICLW 108

  6. I was just talking about this in therapy yesterday. I hate it when people tell me they know it will happen. No one knows anything. I did get pregnant and I lost the baby at 22 weeks. No one told me they knew that would happen! No one knows and it could end well and it could end badly. I want to be realistic in my expectations and prepare myself that not all things work out as planned. Optimism is important but realism is more important to protect yourself sometimes.

  7. Hi I'm Crystal from "The Redhead Files"... I too, just suffered my second miscarriage on Nov 9th :( I was completely devastated, as I thought this second time around would surly be it!! We were heartbroken to say the least. I've been following you for a little bit now, and just wanted to say that - I understand the not wanting to voice your optimism. Best of luck with your surgery!!

  8. "There's no cosmic fairness meter doling out infertility and loss evenly—it's just unfair."

    Don't I know it. I thought the Universe couldn't possibly stack them so closely. I was wrong.

    ::HUGS:: to you.

    @StolenEggs ICLW #82

  9. Happy ICLW! I think when our moms say stuff like that, it's for their own self preservation too. It's hard for them to see us hurting. Most of the time, it's just people not knowing what to say and being ignorant about the whole process. Sucks a lot though.

  10. I have to say - it annoys me that people always equate baby arriving with the holidays. It makes it even harder to get through those holidays. I can't tell you how many people said our adopted baby would arrive by x-mas... I kept telling them it wasn't humanly possible (it's not) and then they'd lecture me about being optimistic. Eyeroll. I hope your healing is fast regardless of the holiday your baby may arrive by :) But I am optimistic that you'll get yours!

  11. There sure is a fine line between optimism and realism for me. I hear what your saying and I wish you a wonderful Holiday week!

    Stopping by from ICLW!

  12. I sent you an award! See it on my blog!

  13. Happy ICLW

    My mom is the type of person that poops rainbows and lives in happy fairy land where everything is perfect and filled with hope...

    I wanted to shoot her many times over my journey.

    DOn't tell me what is going ot happen when no one know the future!!

    ICLW $68

  14. I nominated you for a Leibster Award! :)

  15. Hi from ICLW!

    I think people are just trying to say positive things, and they don't really realize that after so many no go's, you start see them all that way.

  16. Sometimes it's easier just to 'wait and see'. Think hopefully but with caution. I was sure I would be safe after 19 weeks - that was not the case. So even when you get past that first trimester you are not always in the clear.

    We just have to keep trying and hope that our dream will come true soon and support each other in the meantime.

    Good luck.

  17. i am with you... i wouldn't dare say my words of hope out loud. not anymore anyways. it just makes it harder when bad news happens.
    but i am going to follow along a hope it is just that easy for you

  18. I hope that things work out for you and I know what you mean about too much hope.

    I have an award for you on my blog!

  19. Infertility is so unfair! The people around us who have never experienced it will never truly understand our pain. Wishing you luck on your surgery and I hope it will solve the problem.

    ICLW #16
    Donor Diva

  20. I appreciate hope...I don't mind when my mom says "I hope it happens soon." But at the same time, I don't like it at all when people say they "know" things. "I know you'll get pregnant soon" or "I know you'll be a mommy someday." Because I knew that at one point too...and I was wrong. IF is such a constant struggle between holding on to hope and dealing with reality. I don't need people mucking up the reality even more by playing psychic. Good luck on your journey...I'm sorry it's been so hard :(

  21. Thank you for all of the lovely comments. As many of you said, the frustrating part is when people "know" it's going to work out for you soon.

  22. Hey Detour, I liebe you! I gave you another Liebster award. Hope your day is getting better!