I'm someone who wants to be asked about my miscarriages. Ask me how I'm doing, tell me you're sorry—just acknowledge it.
On Thanksgiving Day, I saw many relatives I hadn't spoken to since my last miscarriage. I'd initially told them about the pregnancy at 5 weeks because I couldn't contain myself when they were visiting at the time. At 5 weeks, it was all smiles and congratulations. Last week, 2 months after the miscarriage, it was radio silence.
I get it. I don't know what to say to people who are grieving, either. It's uncomfortable and awkward and there's always a possibility that they'll start crying. Even with women who are going through losses similar to mine, I can't manage much beyond "I'm so sorry" or "You're in my thoughts."
However, going through these losses has shown me just how much I want people to say something, even if it's the "wrong" thing (you know, like "At least you won't be pregnant during the summer!") Yes, by saying something to me, you could make my eyes glisten or even cause a tear to fall. It's ok. You didn't cause me to be sad. I'm already sad enough on my own. I'm just touched and appreciative that you took a moment to brave a little awkwardness to show that you cared.
Once I figured this out about myself, I thought I had it all figured out. Talking about grief = good, ignoring it = bad. I decided to put this into practice when others were grieving—asking them how they were (at the appropriate time, of course), following up a few weeks later, etc.
One day, I was talking about this topic with my husband and he rained on my parade. To my surprise, he said that if he experienced a difficult loss, he would not want someone to acknowledge it, at least in person. It would call too many emotions to the surface for him and he'd be irritated.
I get the impression that most women who have experienced miscarriage or infant loss (or another type of loss) want to be asked about it. How do you feel about it? What about your husband/partner?