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Saturday, September 1, 2012

Survival Mode

So, the last few days happened.  It's been a horrible week.  I made it into work a few hours here and there but made a big dent in my remaining sick hours.

I'm scared.  The pain has been intense, baseline around 7 or 8.  Climbs up to 9 frequently.  Makes me want to go to the hospital to get morphine, but I know that would only be temporary and then they'd send me home again to deal with this for who knows how much longer.

My PT appointment on Wednesday aggravated everything.  She assured me she wouldn't be rough, that everything she did would be gentle and non-inflammatory.  But it wasn't.  She is awesome—super sharp, knowledgeable, and decisive.  And just fun to be around, as fun as someone who mildly tortures you can be.  But she is killing me, inflaming my pain to the point where I miss days of work, and I don't know what to do.  Not going to her leaves me in pain.  Going to her makes the pain worse with the hope that it will speed up the healing process.

It's been hard for me to function normally, so my husband is picking up the slack.  He's been putting meals together, walking the dog, etc.  But it's not enough, and I feel like a brat for saying that.  He picked up some extra work this morning and I was livid when he told me last night.  I need him badly, need him to cook even more, buy more groceries, and start to do some cleaning.  I need him here.  So, we had that discussion.  I hadn't realized how much I wasn't telling him what I needed.

Today I'm trying the "lying perfectly still" technique, moving as minimally as possible to not aggravate my body further.  I've had mixed results with this in the past, so we'll see how it goes.  (ETA:  I suck at lying perfectly still.  I'm doing some PT and other stretches although I'm not convinced they're always good for me.)   In addition to pain both burning and dull, I'm having nausea and headaches, I think as a result of tapering off the amitriptyline.  It is a great combination.

I hate being in survival mode.  There is so much I want to do, even boring stuff like laundry.  I don't know how to make myself better and have no idea when this will end.  When I'm being unrealistic, I can fool myself into thinking I'll be drastically better tomorrow, but then I give myself a reality check.  Big improvements haven't happened in ages.  If I'm being honest with myself, my pain level is the same as it was the week after my surgery in March.  The type of pain is a little different but who knows if one type signals healing more than another.

I'm exhausted.  I had a few minutes this morning when I felt like I could write decent comments to some blogs, but that ability left me quickly. 

Adding insult to injury is side effects from the Pill:  acne, sore boobs, and weight gain.  Or maybe the weight gain is from Lyrica.  Whatever it's from, I'm not a fan.  Weight is not usually an issue for me; lack of appetite is.  Suddenly, I have a great appetite but no ability to exercise it off.  My husband brought home 8 cupcakes last night that someone at work had given him, which does not help my situation.

I don't want to alarm you with how bad the pain is.  It probably sounds like I should call my doctor or get to the ER.  However, I've been going through this for a while and tried that.  I've had CT scans and ultrasounds and nothing life-threatening is going on.  It's just utterly miserable and they're doing all they can to fix me.  The pain shouldn't be as bad as it is, but apparently I'm the freakish outlier who has to deal with it.

Send me good vibes that I at least get a shower today.

20 comments:

  1. I feel like now I can really just understand just how much pain you are in. You describe it and my heart literally hurts thinking of you going through this day after day. Do the doctors realize just how badly this is affecting your life and ability to do even small tasks? I wish there was some magic fix to this for you.

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  2. Thanks so much. :) I don't think I'm doing a great job conveying to my doctors how bad this is. This experience is really teaching me communication skills but I'm not there yet. I think I downplay it when I'm talking to them. Also, I'm always seeking answers to specific questions instead of just telling them how I am. Something I need to work on.

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  3. Have you asked your doctors about getting a TEN's unit? Mine finally died after 6 years and it was about the only thing that ever helped with my pain.

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    1. Interesting thought. I'll ask my doc and PT this week, thanks!

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  4. I hate seeing that you're still struggling. And I wish I knew exactly what to tell you. I think K is right: talking with your doctor about what you're living with is a good idea. Because something has to change. I don't know what or how, but something.

    I'm glad you are talking with the husband about all of this though. Thinking of you both.

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    1. Thanks, Cristy. I'm really working on how to communicate better with my doc...it's surprisingly difficult.

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  5. Oh, no. I wish there was something we could do to help your pain. A baseline of 7-8 is pretty bad. I can't even imagine. I hope the talk with your hubby went well and he's able to pick up more chores. I had to laugh that he brought home 8 cupcakes for you. :)

    Such a tough place you're in between choosing to do PT and lie completely still. Hard to guess which one your body needs, and quite confusing. :(

    I was glad to hear from you on my blog this am. xo.

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    1. Thanks, Lanie! My husband was great this week. He's a good one. :) And the cupcakes were so yummy.

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  6. Man, I can not imagine. I hope you get some relief soon.

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  7. I've been thinking about you!!! I'm so sorry it's not getting better and it breaks my heart to think of you in such pain. I wish I lived closer - I'd come help! First, by eating those cupcakes so you don't have to. ;)

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    1. It's so great to hear from you and I can't wait to catch up on your blog!! Thanks for stopping by. I'd give you a cupcake but they're long gone. ;)

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  8. I'm just so sorry you are still dealing with this. I hate that there is so little anyone can do. That has got to be completely disheartening. Please talk to your doctors candidly and tell them how badly it's affecting your home and work life. It can't hurt to have them take it as seriously as possible. I will send a ton of positive and healing thoughts your way.
    MissC

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    1. Thanks, Alissa. You're totally right about my needing to speak candidly to my doctors.

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  9. Ouch. I'm really sorry. Its awful to have to live this way, and most pain specialists anywhere can't improve things significantly. I know somebody who can, so if you wanna talk to her, I'd be more than happy to facilitate!

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    1. Thanks so much, Jay. I still might take you up on that.

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  10. I'm so sorry. This just...sucks. :( I don't know what to say, except that I'm thinking of you and sending you good thoughts. I hope that you and your doctor can find a way to get this pain under control.

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  11. I'm sorry this isn't getting any better. Have you considered taking some time of PT for a while? What are they trying to to at PT? Maybe your body needs to heal first?

    I hope that your doctors find a cause and a solution very soon.

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    1. Yeah, I took some time off of PT in July and it didn't help. I've also taken weeks where I did very, very light PT, and I can't tell any difference. It's so frustrating. I'm trying to be pretty cautious with it, though.

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