Make It Stop

Consuming.

That's the word that keeps coming to mind in the past couple of days.  The pain consumes me, eats me up.  Not much is left behind.

Last Wednesday was the best day, pain-wise, that I've had in months.  I went to PT that day and she did "skin rolling," which she said might leave me sore.  I've been in agony since Friday.  I'm not sure if it was the PT or some other thing that did me in.  It's followed the same general 24-hour cycle it's done in the past—mornings are tolerable and afternoons I contemplate going to the ER.  It's reduced me to a monosyllabic, glazed-over zombie the past few days.  Worse than usual.

Sometimes it feels like a horrible stomachache and I try to pacify it with food.  It's become a rather bad habit, feeding an ache that doesn't really need food.  I don't know what it needs.

Right now it feels like my entire pelvis is burning, pain level about an 8.  If I zone out and kinda become one with the pain, I can feel it take over my entire abdomen, burning a line through my core, out my arms, and leaving my head foggy and achy.  My legs have been spared for now.

I'm forcing myself to blog because I need to get out some of my angst.  The thought of composing an email to a friend or talking to a family member is overwhelming...no ability to concentrate on conversation or care about anyone else's problems.

It feels very indulgent, this hyperfocusing on myself.  I know that might sound ridiculous, yeah, I can't control much about the pain.  But when it goes on for 6 solid months, it feels horribly egocentric and my world feels very small. 

I want to make a quick list of things I want to do when I get better, things I'm afraid I won't appreciate or take the opportunity to do once I'm able.  I want to hold myself accountable.  Here goes:  I want to run again.  I want to go to a yoga class.  I want to have my little nieces and nephews over for a slumber party.  I want to walk around the neighborhood.  I want the pharmacist's cashiers to forget my name (ok, not a goal but a wish nonetheless).

I'm doing everything right.  I'm doing my what my PT says, taking soothing baths, meditating, doing diaphragmatic breathing.  It is still hard to keep the panic at bay, and I don't see how anyone could stay calm through this.  It just creeps in, little voices telling me it might not get better, maybe this is the new normal.  Maybe I will always be too sick to raise a child.

I haven't responded to comments from my last post—sorry.  My infertility therapist is actually required by her workplace to have a certain percentage of her patients be IF patients.  I don't feel betrayed or anything; she doesn't really have a choice.  I'm fine with it mostly, just a little sad.

I'm taking the amitriptyline at night.  The nurse recommended experimenting with taking it at dinnertime to see if that helped with drowsiness the next day, and it hasn't.  I think I'm officially done with this med.  I don't think it's helping and the sleepiness is horrible.  I doubt multiple cups of coffee a day is helping the pain.

When I take a pain medication, I get some relief for about an hour.  Tonight I took it around dinnertime and actually talked to my husband.  He's been getting a lot of "don't talk to me but find something for us to eat" the past few days.

I'm scared.  When I feel the pain in new places, when the pain in my core seems to reach up through my chest and into my jaw and teeth, it's hard not to worry.