Side note: I consciously made myself write "y'all" instead of "you guys" or some other y'all alternative. My non-Southern college friends cultivated the "y'all" out of me (I'm Southern) but I'm trying to get it back. I just like the way it sounds.
Back to being sleepy. The amitriptyline (trycyclic antidepressant) is kicking my butt. I am SO, so drowsy all the time, but not actually tired. I don't yawn and can't fall asleep before my normal bedtime. But when my alarm goes off in the morning, the struggle to stay alert begins. And it is a fight.
I'm trying to get in touch with my doctor to see if there's a different med I can try. I don't know if the amitriptyline is even helping, so maybe he'll just wean me off of it.
My therapist is dumping me. She tried to soften the blow by saying we'd slowly see each other less over time, that she wasn't making a clean break. And all the usual "it's not you, it's me" stuff. Since she specializes in patients seeking infertility treatment, I'm no longer in her wheelhouse. I think she's required to primarily see infertility patients. It makes me a little sadder than I expected. She's really helped me through all of this.
However, my psychiatrist will not be dumping me. She specializes in pregnancy and women who are nursing, but she has room in her practice for a two-time pregnancy FAIL survivor. I've been seeing her for medication management, and maybe I'll transition to seeing her for talk therapy, too.
In the past year, I've read several books that are memoirs of infertiles or novels with strong infertility/loss/adoption currents throughout, and some stand out as my favorites. I'm not too coherent now and am never literary enough to write a proper review, so I'll just list 'em.
- Life from Scratch by Melissa Ford. Ok, this is not a book about infertility, but Melissa Ford is the web hostess of the largest network of infertiles around: Stirrup Queens. Her novel is excellent and many passages are simply beautiful, ones I would have highlighted if I'd known how to on my Kindle.
- The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards. I strongly recommend this to women feeling like no one can relate to their loss. Edwards explores loss so thoughtfully and she really, truly gets it.
- State of Wonder by Ann Patchett. Patchett is one of my faves. She wrote Bel Canto, and while I couldn't decide what I thought about that one, her others have knocked my socks off. Like Bel Canto, State of Wonder has slowly building suspense. The settings are so vivid that I felt them, saw them, and smelled them. The infertility theme in this is subtle at first, but keep reading and you won't regret it.
- Run by Ann Patchett. Two brothers in this novel are adopted, which is an important aspect of the book. I love Ann Patchett for passages like this: The ache in his ankle was like an angry conversation coming from another room, something persistent, irritated, abstracted, something you should get up and take care of but for whatever reason you don't. I connected strongly with that.
- The Patron Saint of Liars by Ann Patchett. I'm on an Ann Patchett kick, can you tell? This novel is about a woman who goes to a home for unwed mothers in the 1960's.
- Good Eggs: A Memoir by Phoebe Potts. I picked this up for a couple of bucks at Border's when they were going out of business (sad). When I got home with it and opened it for the first time, I realized it wasn't a book in the conventional sense. Instead of text, Potts uses cartoons to tell her infertility story. She drew me in right away and her personality, wit, and ability to convey emotions. Loved it.
- Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein. Another infertility memoir and her story is beautifully told. Loved it, too.
It turns out that you need to be awake to do almost anything. Work, drive, blog. I'm up to three or four cups of coffee a day and it barely touches my sleepiness. Ugh. I am reading your blogs and would comment if I could formulate thoughts. I promise to be a better bloggie friend.
Have a nice weekend!