Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Hey...I've Been Here Before

At my infertility support group last year, the therapist had us write down some of our negative thoughts (eg, "Everyone around me is pregnant") and use cognitive restructuring on them (eg, not everyone around you is pregnant—your 60-year-old coworker isn't pregnant).  I'm realizing that I'm in exactly the same place I was a year ago, except instead of infertility dominating my thoughts, it's pain.   Both have a lot of unknowns, an almost complete lack of control, and a loss of faith in your body.   And lots of negative thoughts.

Then (whilst TTC): "Everyone around me is pregnant."
Now (with pain): "Everyone around me can work out."

Wishful thinking (I think I made this one up)
Then:  "If I try doing a handstand afterward I'll get pregnant!"
Now:  "If I lie perfectly still for a week the pain will go away!"

Then:  "I didn't get pregnant last month because I ate a conventionally grown strawberry/struck the wrong yoga pose/drank a sip of coffee." 
Now:  "I screwed up my recovery by getting the mail/walking the dog/pulling a weed."

Fortune telling:
Then:  "This cycle will be a bust because I only have one follicle."
Now:  "The new physical therapist won't tell me anything new or helpful."

Then: "This will never end."
Now: "This will never end."

So, in terms of personal growth, at least I realize I'm having the exact same kinds of thoughts?  Heh.

One of the downsides of not being TTC is not knowing with laserlike precision when my period will come.  I mean, I know on my Outlook calendar where I marked CD1 for my last period, but I don't know when I ovulated.  I do know I'm well into PMS territory.  I think my pain is picking up in preparation for Aunt Flo, making me even grumpier than usual.

I'm trying a monophasic Pill after this period arrives.  When I took a triphasic one a few months ago, I got really weepy with all the pain, so I'm not too hopeful that this hormonal experiment will work. 

The super fun experiment with my moods will most likely occur when I'm at the beach next week with my family.  Lucky them! 

I wrote the above post last week—I'm at the beach now, which explains why I haven't been blogging and commenting.  I'm also trying to get ready for a trip for work the day after I get back. 

I won't start the Pill until we're back from the beach so my family is being spared the mood swings.  Or at least they are being spared the Pill-related mood swings...they're all my own right now.  And Pain's.  Everyone is at the beach this morning except me.  I'm hanging out at the beach house on CD2, with AF cramps added to my regularly-scheduled abdominal pain.  Good times.  Being here in pain beats being at work in pain, at least.

When I get back and work slows down a bit, I'll tell you about the adoption information session we attended.  And about my great new physical therapist. 

I just realized that my post title also reflects how yet again, my period has come in all its painful glory while I'm on vacation.  Thanks for screwing up another vacation, period! 


  1. Is it wrong that I feel somewhat better, knowing that someone else has the same distorted thinking I do? :)

    How lovely of your period to show - yet again - while on vacation. Another blogger I read (can't remember who just now) refers to her period as shark week. Kind of seems fitting then that yours arrived during actual shark week, at the beach.

    Good luck with the new Pill!

    1. Shark week! Love it!

      One of the best parts of my IF group was finding out that we all shared the same distorted thoughts. Made me feel so normal!

  2. The crazy thing about these exercises is that they work... For those who practice them regularly. And I'm not good at practicing. Maybe we can practice together?

    Bummed tha AF showed up to ruin the vacation, but I continue to hope that with each passing day you are feeling a little bit better. Hope the rest of your vacation is enjoyable (go away pain!!) and look forward to hearing about it when you're back.

    1. Yes! Cognitive restructuring really does work. Especially when you write it amazing.

  3. Hoping the pain will subside enough that you'll be able to enjoy yourself for a bit at the beach.

  4. We have done the cognitive restructuring at my last 2 sessions. It is so hard to do those! I really hope that you are able to enjoy your vacation even though AF decided to make an unwelcome visit. I also hope that your pain decides to leave you alone. Enough, already! Take it easy, girl.

    1. Thanks. :) Yeah, it is hard to do the restructuring!

  5. Triphasic BC made me turn into a psychopath, for real. I loved the Nuva Ring - I felt so much more steady (emotionally) plus I didn't have to remember to take it every day, which is good because I am super forgetful.

    I hope you can enjoy your vacation! :(

    1. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who hated triphasic BC. I tried Nuva Ring years back, as well as the patch, but had issues with each of them. Hopefully this pill will work out for me--no period for 3 months sounds like heaven.

  6. Sorry to hear about your pain. ;( I totally can relate to what you wrote about your thought process. This actually made me more aware of doing this type of thing, and I think that will help me to try to work on my self-talk.