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Friday, June 8, 2012

To the Coworker Who Saw Me Crying Yesterday

I truly appreciate your concern, but yesterday's pain episode isn't out of left field for me.  I haven't kept you completely up to date on the status of my pain because I'm bored with it.  I want to talk about other stuff, do other things, and actually work.  But I've never been close to being rid of the pain since my surgery 3 months ago.  It just ebbs and flows.

Another reason I haven't wanted to talk about it is because I don't want to open the floodgates.  That's why I may seem detached and unemotional when I talk about how I'm doing.  If I really tell you, if I really let my guard down, I may start crying and not be able to stop.  I've cried enough on my own and am not a huge fan of doing it in front of other people, especially at work.

Yes, my pain was severe yesterday and still is.  But I don't think it's ER-worthy.  In the past 3 months, I have had dozens of doctor's appointments to confirm that I'm not dying or criminally insane, and I don't think they would tell me anything different today. 

I have a call into my pain doctor but the asshole clinic isn't calling me back.  On the triage nurse's message, she says that they'll get back to you ASAP.  If you leave multiple messages, it will delay their response.  If you call after 3:00 pm, they won't respond until the next day.  I called at 3:02 yesterday.  They say prescription refills can take up to 48 hours.  What do you bet they aren't including weekends as part of their estimate? 

So I suppose I'm expected to either suck it up and deal with pain at 7 or 8, or go to the ER and wait hours to be seen by someone who can't offer me a better diagnosis.  I'd rather suck it up.  Call me crazy, but I don't really want to rack up more medical expenses for no reason, especially after the $1200 (after insurance) appointment at a psych clinic that determined I'm not a drug seeker.

I will be getting another opinion soon, this time by a surgeon at the clinic where I had my endometriosis surgery.  No, there is no way I'm having laparoscopic surgery again, not after the past 3 months., but maybe this doctor will have a new idea for what's going on.  Probably not, though.  The physicians I've seen already are probably among the best in the state, if not the region, and I trust them.

I have an idea of what brought on this flare, but, no offense, I'd rather not share it with you, you being a coworker and all.  There are some things I'd just rather not disclose about my lady parts.   I do have a few boundaries.

As to the question of whether my pain is under control, well, it's complicated.  It's been under control for the most part lately with the multiple non-narcotic prescriptions I take for it, but when you saw me crying uncontrollably, it was not under control.  I have not yet figured out how to anticipate every new throw my condition will hurl at me.

So I'm sorry for not keeping you in the loop.  Your support is amazing and the love so many people are directing my way is what's keeping me going.

Thanks,
Cry Baby

11 comments:

  1. :(

    Oh, I wish the pain would go away. They really don't know what could be causing it?? :( (Or how to fix it?)

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    1. Thanks, Robin. They think it's just a nonspecific nerve irritation thing caused by endo and my surgeries. I wish someone could give me a more specific reason, though.

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  2. UHH...your pain is probably neuropathic. I know a doctor who is really maverick and amazing at treating a spectrum of pain syndromes but she live in India :( Let me know if you'd want an email consult, I'd be more than happy to help set one up.

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    1. Thanks. Yeah, my pain doc thinks it's neuropathic and is treating it accordingly. I might hit you up later for the email address of the doc you know, though.

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  3. That has to be the worst ... the question "how are you." Because sometimes you really just don't want to tell them, and sometimes they don't *really* want to know. I wish that the pain would subside, but barring that miracle, I wish that you were able to carve out a space at work to feel "normal."

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  4. Your pain truly hit me in this post. I can't imagine what that must feel like day after day...I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I hope they find an answer soon and you get some relief.

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  5. Hun I think of you all the time. I'm so sorry this pain continues to make you miserable. Sending you big hugs.

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  6. Love. Love being sent. Love and lots of hugs.

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  7. I understand your pain. Sending you love, and hugs and magic pain killer fairy dust if I can find some!

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  8. Ugh. I'm so sorry that on top of having to deal with the pain and pain management. It's very hard. I'm equally sorry to hear that you are still dealing with chronic pain. May there do some relief soon. In the meantime, you are in my thoughts.

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  9. This has got to be the most frustrating condition ever. I am so sorry. I can't believe you had to pay money to prove to them you weren't a drug seeker. Ugh.

    I totally know you aren't looking for ideas since you are doing everything possible the experts are telling you to do and probably researched everything possible, but have you tried acupuncture yet? I can't remember from your previous posts if you said you did.

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