birds

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

What I'm Doing On My "Trying to Avoid" Vacation

Note:  In fertility/infertility circles, "trying to conceive" = TTC and "trying to avoid conception" = TTA. 

Taking time off when you're trying to conceive can be good.  Regroup, relax, stop thinking about planned sex.  Give your body a break from fertility medications.

I've been on a medically-induced break for months.  Months and months.  Since my second miscarriage last September, actually.  First it was waiting for the hCG to leave my system so we could do the repeated pregnancy loss panel.  Then it was waiting for test results.  Then uterine imaging times eleventy, surgeries, blah blah blah.  Waiting indefinitely is a cruel thing to put a mid-30's infertile through.

However.  I'm trying to see the positive side of time off as we look toward yet more months of waiting to try again.  There are definitely positives.

1.  I'm drinking all the coffee I want.  Not really, because I get super jittery after 1.5 cups/day, but that 1.5 cups is a beautiful, life-affirming elixir each morning.  I was drinking one cup a day before I knew I was pregnant last time, but guilt was involved.  There is zero guilt right now.

2.  I'm drinking wine sometimes.  I don't drink often because of heartburn.  Alcohol is a major culprit, along with citrus fruits, cheddar cheese, anything with tomatoes...the list goes on.  But when I'm prepared to deal with the gastric side effects, I can totally drink.

3.  I'm not taking my temperature.  I half-heartedly kept charts for a few months after my last miscarriage, but that's gone out the window.  My doctor has records of all the cycle-disrupting hormones I've been taking for the last few months.  I'll let her do my only record keeping for a while.

4.  I'm off people's "baby bump" watch list.  When people know you've just undergone surgery, they tend to assume you aren't currently pregnant.

5 . I'm not having timed intercourse. Typical conversation when we're TTC for the umpteenth month in a row: "Should we do it before or after we watch Project Runway?" "Eh, let's just do it and get it out of the way." We haven't had to have that conversation in quite a while.

6.  I'm not failing a test every month.  You can't fail when you haven't tried.  Sure, I still feel like a broken woman with a Franken-uterus, but the sense of failing an all-important, life-changing test every month is gone.

7.  I'm eating what I want.  Back to consumables.  Lunch meat?  Sure!  Soft cheeses?  Bring 'em on.  Iffy leftovers?  Eh, won't kill me.  All the stuff I worry about when I'm trying isn't even close to being on my radar now.  One could argue that I could keep doing my normal activities—coffee, soft cheeses and all—and get pregnant safely. But I know better than to try. I'm a worrier and it's better for me to skip the Intro to Kick-Boxing class when I'm TTC. It's not worth the worry that I'm going to harm my developing ova/blastocyst/zygote.

8. I'm not living my life in 2-week increments. No follicular phase freak-outs. No two-week wait. No mental breakdowns when Aunt Flo arrives involving crying in the bathroom, eating giant cookies, and spending money.  (Of course, I've exchanged follicular and luteal phases for pre-op and post-op weeks, but I'm trying to be positive here.)

Of course, I desperately want to be TTC again.  I want a chance of being pregnant.  Even the hope roller-coaster sounds good about now.  But I'm going to try to enjoy this break since I don't have much choice in the matter.

Post-op pain update:  Pain still very much present but I'm seeing incremental improvements.  My yoga muscles are atrophying and I'm not dumb enough to even try to stretch right now, so I'm still lying around a ton.  Getting some amusement out of ordering my husband around.

22 comments:

  1. I was put on a similar break of 5 months after my loss. At first I wanted to try try again...but now I am so glad we waited. This time has been exactly what I needed, both physically and mentally.

    I like how you broke it down. It certainly frees up your life when you aren't TTC or pregnant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It does free up your life. It's fun to see just how full your life is when this isn't a current priority.

      Delete
  2. Oh, I agree with everything you said. Breaks are so nice. I'm on a "sorta" break until I get back on the pill for IVF #2. I'm still temping, and timing sex, but still drinking wine, coffee, and just have such a free feeling right now. It is so nice to relax a little.

    You're so funny! I totally laughed out loud about the "before or after Project Runway?" That is our house over here too!

    I'm so sorry you've been on the medical break for so long though. I really hope your pain subsides soon and you'll be back in action.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Lanie! I had a feeling we weren't the only ones scheduling sex around our DVRed shows. I'm glad you're getting to relax a little bit before your cycle, too! So impressed by your workouts.

      Delete
  3. At least we can take a little comfort in things we can do, and do them guilt-free! I had to smile at your "before or after Project Runway" comment! Too funny, and it rings so true.

    Yesterday I had TWO cups of coffee, AND a can of Coke. Craziness, I know! And I've already been eyeing up my favorite beer (Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy!) at the grocery store. You better believe that after my negative beta call this afternoon, I'm heading to the store! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so hoping you're wrong about the negative beta. :(

      Wow, you are living large with coffee AND Coke! Nice! Thinking of you today.

      Delete
  4. I honestly think I might be addicted to pregnancy tests. Not joking. Even if we weren't trying to conceive, I think I might still feel the need to pee on stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. The OPKs and pregnancy tests call to me from the bathroom closet, even when there is ZERO chance that we can try or are pregnant. They are highly addictive.

      Delete
  5. Until TTC, I never would have understood this list. Now it's all of those things you listed that make the breaks. Who would have though that there would come a time when coffee and not peeing on things would be considered a luxury?

    I'm glad you're feeling better. That last round was scary and I was really worried about you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Cristy. It's funny what we learn to appreciate after dealing with IF nonsense for months/years.

      Delete
  6. Isn't it nice to have your life back just a bit? I'm doing the same and taking better care of me because of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES, so nice to feel like I have a bit of a life outside of TTC. I agree--I'm definitely taking better care of myself, too.

      Delete
  7. Franken-uterus! Ha! That is a great image and a great nickname for a troublesome (but oh so necessary) organ. TTA must be extremely difficult. I think I avoid the thought of it as much as possible, but after reading this post, you make it sound not so bad;) Numbers 5 and 8 are especially enticing.
    Not to worry about your yoga muscles, a few sun salutations and you'll be back in business as soon as you are ready!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! TTA is really difficult at first and then you kinda get used to it, surprisingly.

      Delete
  8. I was so frustrated during my many months of TTA. I mean it's pretty ridiculous in our situation anyway being that I have never been able to get pregnant. So while the drinking, soft cheese, having sex whenever you want, etc. is great, it's a weird feeling. It took me a while to get back into the TTC groove (and I'm not sure that I am fully back because I am not convinced that we are going to get pregnant off the IUI).

    ReplyDelete
  9. We're just coming off a "rest cycle" and I *loved* being free to eat or drink when I wanted and not think at all about TTC. I especially like #8 on your list!

    ReplyDelete
  10. good for you! i'm glad you get to take the time to live your life for YOU for a little while. it's hard to do (I still haven't been able to yet), but this time will hopefully be very good for your mind, body and soul. i continue to wish you the best of luck and know that i'm jealous of you right now. ;-)

    ps-i tagged you in a post...i hope you play along because I'd like to know more about you! :-) http://dogmomchasingthestork.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/ill-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours-lets-play/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for tagging me--that's so sweet! I'm not great at doing these Q&As but I will try to get to it soon!

      Delete
  11. Your blog is exactly the reason why I love reading blogs - I read this post and thought, "Damn, I go through the same exact things." DH is trying to be such a trooper about the timed intercourse, so when I read your part about Project Runway I had to laugh. :-)
    Anyway, I found your blog from Stork Chaser and will be adding it to my blogroll because I want to follow your journey. Wishing you all the best! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I'm glad parts of this list resonated with you--very good to feel like I'm not alone! I sometimes feel a tad guilty for enjoying the TTA life so much.

      Delete
  12. Love your writing! I feel like I'm going through the same thing too. You commented on one of my posts and I had to comment back--I'm a fellow franken-uterus :) I too am still having tummy pains from my lap that was about 5 weeks ago. I hope that you continue to find the positives. It's so hard sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I'm sorry you're a fellow franken-uterus...saw on your blog that we have a lot of that stuff in common. I'm sorry that you're still suffering after your lap, too. I was uncomfortable for at least 2 mths after mine. Not awful pain, mostly, just uncomfortable/sore.

      Delete