My Body's Saying "No"

I'm not sure how much more TTC I can take.

I'm tired of feeling bad.  We can't seem to stop messing with my reproductive organs and I'm afraid we're screwing up my body.  Hormones, surgeries, uterine balloons...whatever we've done that's so pissed you off, Body, I'm sorry.  I know you want to get on the Pill, calm down the endo, and forget about having children, but I don't think I'm ready to stop.

I've felt bad enough with all the post-op pain lately that I often forget why we're doing this.  A baby seems like a fantasy, like I'm kidding myself to think I could possibly ever have one.  It's not helping that I'm not sure when I'll feel better and my uterus will cease to be messed up, both of which need to occur before we try again.

To check the architectural/healing status of my uterus, I need to have a 3D sonogram during the early part of a cycle.  Although Aunt Flo came a few days ago, I'm skipping the 3D sono this cycle.  My doctor and I decided it would decidedly not be a good idea since my uterus is still pissed off from the last procedure.  We can hope that I'll be feeling good enough to have the 3D sono next cycle, but who knows.  It might be a couple more cycles until we can TTC again.

Trying seems very abstract after being TTA so long.  And like I said in a recent post, being TTA is freeing.  I desperately still want a child but haven't been forced to focus on getting there.  I'm living my life.

But I want my life back in full.  I want to be healthy and active again and doing my normal activities.  I'm tired of having to constantly plan around pain.  I'm tired of surgeries and doctors.  I'm tired of having my clinic on speed dial and knowing the nurse line options by heart.  I want yoga, walking, cooking, and everything I normally do.

I'm sure my struggles so far are a small price to pay for the chance at having a child.  The thing is, I don't know how much longer this will go on, and I don't know how much more my body can take.  Our bodies don't have long to be on this planet and I want mine to be as healthy as possible.  What if I'm irreversibly damaging it by going under the knife time after time?  What if my nerves, damaged by endo, are getting so pissed off that they will act up the rest of my life?  What if the hormones I've taken cause the endo flare to end all flares?

I won't even go into how I don't know how much more of trying my heart can take.  But I don't.

There's also the question of how my body would behave with a pregnancy that lasts beyond 7 weeks, the time both of my miscarriages were diagnosed.  I think we've established that my uterus is cranky, to say the least.  Am I setting myself up for a pregnancy full of complications?  Will I be in pain and on bedrest for 9 months?  My two short-lived pregnancies were probably farther on the crampy/twingy continuum than most, but not awful.  But I haven't experienced anything beyond 7 weeks.  How in the world will my pissy uterus deal with an actual fetus? 

Blah.  I know I need to talk to my doctor about my fears but we're in survival mode currently, just trying to get past this painful post-op time.  Communications with my doctor involve plans for the immediate future only.

A part of me, the part with feelings, isn't just in "making it through the day" mode, though.  Tomorrow is my due date for my last pregnancy.  I've been reflecting on the tiny little baby we saw on the ultrasound screen, perfect except for not having a heartbeat.  We found out a few weeks after my D&C that it was a girl.  I miss her.  I wish I was worried about labor and delivery now and not when to stop trying.