birds

Sunday, April 15, 2012

My Body's Saying "No"

I'm not sure how much more TTC I can take.

I'm tired of feeling bad.  We can't seem to stop messing with my reproductive organs and I'm afraid we're screwing up my body.  Hormones, surgeries, uterine balloons...whatever we've done that's so pissed you off, Body, I'm sorry.  I know you want to get on the Pill, calm down the endo, and forget about having children, but I don't think I'm ready to stop.

I've felt bad enough with all the post-op pain lately that I often forget why we're doing this.  A baby seems like a fantasy, like I'm kidding myself to think I could possibly ever have one.  It's not helping that I'm not sure when I'll feel better and my uterus will cease to be messed up, both of which need to occur before we try again.

To check the architectural/healing status of my uterus, I need to have a 3D sonogram during the early part of a cycle.  Although Aunt Flo came a few days ago, I'm skipping the 3D sono this cycle.  My doctor and I decided it would decidedly not be a good idea since my uterus is still pissed off from the last procedure.  We can hope that I'll be feeling good enough to have the 3D sono next cycle, but who knows.  It might be a couple more cycles until we can TTC again.

Trying seems very abstract after being TTA so long.  And like I said in a recent post, being TTA is freeing.  I desperately still want a child but haven't been forced to focus on getting there.  I'm living my life.

But I want my life back in full.  I want to be healthy and active again and doing my normal activities.  I'm tired of having to constantly plan around pain.  I'm tired of surgeries and doctors.  I'm tired of having my clinic on speed dial and knowing the nurse line options by heart.  I want yoga, walking, cooking, and everything I normally do.

I'm sure my struggles so far are a small price to pay for the chance at having a child.  The thing is, I don't know how much longer this will go on, and I don't know how much more my body can take.  Our bodies don't have long to be on this planet and I want mine to be as healthy as possible.  What if I'm irreversibly damaging it by going under the knife time after time?  What if my nerves, damaged by endo, are getting so pissed off that they will act up the rest of my life?  What if the hormones I've taken cause the endo flare to end all flares?

I won't even go into how I don't know how much more of trying my heart can take.  But I don't.

There's also the question of how my body would behave with a pregnancy that lasts beyond 7 weeks, the time both of my miscarriages were diagnosed.  I think we've established that my uterus is cranky, to say the least.  Am I setting myself up for a pregnancy full of complications?  Will I be in pain and on bedrest for 9 months?  My two short-lived pregnancies were probably farther on the crampy/twingy continuum than most, but not awful.  But I haven't experienced anything beyond 7 weeks.  How in the world will my pissy uterus deal with an actual fetus? 

Blah.  I know I need to talk to my doctor about my fears but we're in survival mode currently, just trying to get past this painful post-op time.  Communications with my doctor involve plans for the immediate future only.

A part of me, the part with feelings, isn't just in "making it through the day" mode, though.  Tomorrow is my due date for my last pregnancy.  I've been reflecting on the tiny little baby we saw on the ultrasound screen, perfect except for not having a heartbeat.  We found out a few weeks after my D&C that it was a girl.  I miss her.  I wish I was worried about labor and delivery now and not when to stop trying.

21 comments:

  1. It sucks when you feel like your body is constantly letting you down. You've been through so much, all for a single purpose, and it sucks that you have to continue to be poked and prodded. I'm thinking of you and hoping that you continue to heal. In the meantime, sending lots of love.

    BTW: I've tagged you on my blog. If you're interested in a distraction, stop by.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Cristy. And thanks for tagging me! I'll hopefully get to that soon.

      Delete
  2. I think that all your questions are very normal. Only you can decide how much you can go through, whether you want to continue or not. And whatever you decide, please don't ever feel guilty about that, don't let others judge you, don't judge yourself.

    After an IVF cycle was cancelled due to lack of response, I remember a moment when I thought "maybe we could/should stop all this." It was a moment when I was flooded with relief, and life suddenly seemed interesting, fun, something that could be planned. It was that that helped me understand I'd be okay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your comment, Mali. I've been allowing myself to feel some of the freedom that comes from asking myself if we should stop all this. I feel a huge amount of relief when I let myself think about that without judgment. I think TTA so long has given me some perspective--I really do enjoy my life outside of the baby-obtaining bubble we can get into.

      Delete
  3. (hugs) I'm sorry things are really down right now for you. :(

    By the way, I was tagged with the Lovely Blog award and have passed it along to you. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for the award! I am horrible about passing these things on but I really appreciate it!

      Delete
  4. I think about that all the time. When is enough enough? I hate that I finally started feeling good after my surgery only to start up with the hormones again. I'm not ready to quit either, but we have to think of our health sometimes too. It's hard to think of our bodies when that need for a baby is so strong.

    I hope you have a little break to heal and relax. Your uterus will be there when you are ready.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, exactly. I used to think I would do anything to have a baby. I used to think I'd give up an arm, and now I'm realizing that's not necessarily the case. Our health is so valuable.

      Delete
  5. Me, too, me, too. I am wishing and praying for peace and healthiness and pain-free times for you. And a cute little baby. Hugs and hugs and hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm hoping that your body isn't too affected by all the drugs you have to take to have a more "normal" cycle. Taking time off from ttc is always wonderful but yet sad at the same time. Take it easy on yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, totally. It's definitely hard to be TTA.

      Delete
  7. We put our bodies through so much, it's so hard to know when to say "when." Hoping your uterus gets back into fighting shape soon for you. You'll be ready when she is, you'll get there. But if you have to be on a break til then? Live it up, sister, take what you can get!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, totally. This time off has really been great.

      Delete
  8. I agree with what Mali said. Be kind to yourself, don't judge yourself, you need to let your body recover.

    I don't know why but I feel moved to say that I was here and that I read this, I understand, and that you are not alone. Many of us are in this place. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I keep reading your old blogs since I just found you and I can't believe what similar experiences we've had. You're in my prayers. I'm so happy to have found you. I didn't realize that I will now have to wait four to six weeks to ovulate after the hormone cycle!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I know how hard this endless roller coaster is. Be kind to yourself now, especially as you reflect on what could have been right now. I do that all the time, after the failed adoption, I find myself thinking we should have had a baby right now. Hang in there, I'm thinking about you!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm so, so sorry. It just...sucks. If I were near you, I'd go over with a bottle of wine. :( Sending you good thoughts!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hey girl - thanks for checking in on me girl. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of these questions... it seems like they are never-ending. I hope today finds you with a little more peace.

    I've been out of the loop lately with my blog, it's been weeks since I've been on... 2nd opinions, hsg, bloodwork, etc. We have a few more answers so I'm thankful for that. My hsg was mostly good news, my uterus is structurally sound giving no indication it would've contributed to miscarriages. I do have one blocked tube but since we're ivf patients already, the blocked tube isn't a "big" deal. I do have MTHFR with the c677t mutation so we're looking at treating that as well as an endometrial biopsy prior to an FET.

    Sorry for the long post - I think of you often and I hope that things start to turn around for you soon. Sending you hugs - xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  13. It sounds like the most important thing for you to do now is heal. Pain can really bring you down. Would you consider other therapies to help you in your healing process - I've heard many great things about acupuncture. What if your goal was to become healthy and strong in the next 4 months - and then look at ttc again.

    ICLW
    #53

    ReplyDelete
  14. I so understand this more than words can say. I am right there with you. It's a very difficult decision on where to draw the boundary between doing everything you can for your future family and taking care of yourself so you can be healthy. I hate this for you. I hope you heal well and answers come to you soon. Here for you anytime.

    ReplyDelete