Friday, January 6, 2012

New Year, New Regrets

I mistakenly thought I'd coast into my surgery last Friday with a limited amount of nerves.  Ha!  Guess you never really get used to handing your life over to strangers wielding potent anesthetics and scalpels.

Fasting, IVs, and anesthesia should be old hat to me after having gone through several procedures.  My first surgery several years back was completely unrelated to my reproductive organs, although like this recent surgery, it also involved a septum.  My nasal septum was veering off course and required some work to fix.  For the most part, it wasn't too traumatic, except when I nearly passed out from the horror of My First IV.  The My First Surgery Barbie would have a huge bruise on her arm as a badge of honor.  There is nothing normal or natural-seeming about having a needle sitting in you and feeling cold IV fluids enter and creep up your arm.  Disgusting.

Several procedures and a laparoscopy later, IVs are easy peasy.  I'm almost to the point of being able to watch them put it in.  Ok, that's a lie, but at least I'm not fainting anymore.

At my pre-op appointment, a resident gave me several prescriptions associated with the surgery.  Narcotic, check.  Hormones to promote healing afterward, check.  Misoprostal...wait a second.  Misoprostal is often used in lieu of D&Cs to induce miscarriages.  I had a visceral reaction when the resident casually mentioned I'd be taking it.  Apparently, in addition to inducing miscarriages, it can be used to prepare your cervix for procedures to prevent future miscarriages.

A lot of us have an unfailing memory for dates associated with our losses and infertility.   On 12/30/09, I started spotting with my first miscarriage.  On 12/30/11, I was on misoprostal and headed into surgery.

It was pretty uneventful physically.  I came to and said, "Is it over already?"  Cramps came and went for a few days afterward but were manageable.

I'm left with a lingering sense of regret and "should have knowns," though.  My doctor removed two things, a septum and some scar tissue, I feel like I should have explored further last year.  We'd been assuming the septum was too small to cause any issues, but maybe it was an issue all along.  The scar tissue, possibly caused by my first D&C, was hinted at during my HSG a year ago.  The tissue was partially blocking the opening to my left tube and I have to wonder if it's a coincidence that both of my pregnancies were from the right.  It pisses me off that this might have been missed by some previous doctors. The third item on my doctor's extraction list was a polyp.  I'm pretty sure it was a new development so at least I can keep it off of my guilt list. 

How do you find the balance between researching adequately—pursuing diagnostic testing and second opinions—and becoming completely consumed by it?  I want to believe that we've done enough experimenting recently on my body (ok, and on my husband, who had one vial of blood drawn after my last miscarriage) at this point to move forward with trying again.  My obsessive, scientific nature drives me to check out all options, though, and it's hard to find the balance between constant research and trusting my doctor.  I know that at some point, the data collecting has to stop. 

That's where I'm at this first week of 2012.  Wondering if we've covered all our bases, regretting that we didn't address some of these issues earlier, and hoping an embryo will soon make itself at home my newly renovated uterus.  

If all goes well with my recovery this month, we'll start a letrozole cycle in early February.  My first and only letrozole cycle to date resulted in a pregnancy so it's hard to not put all of my hopes and dreams into this upcoming cycle.  After being in a holding pattern for several months, I'm beyond ready to get this party started again. 

I've missed the Blogosphere this past month.  Work and the holidays have been just about all I can handle recently.  I've been trying to keep up with reading and commenting as best I can and hope to see everyone more this month.


  1. Hoping you heal quickly so that soon you'll have a chance for another pregnancy. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. I get how difficult it is wondering if you could have caught something earlier and wanting to keep your doctors on course.
    I often feel like they only do what is completely necessary instead of what could possibly be the best option. I wonder all the time why they didn't check to see if there is was something in my uterus after the delivery instead of waiting until I was ready to try again...and finding something. Now I am put off anoher two months when this could have been taken care of earlier.

    I guess we just need to be forceful in what we want and stay ahead of them.

  3. Second-guessing is such a hard thing. The constant wondering if you had caught X earlier, would it have made a difference is something that plays in my head over and over. But, the reality is, most of the time we are making decisions based on what is the best option at the time.

    I hope all goes well and that you recover quickly.

  4. My thoughts are with you, friend. You're dealing with a kind to yourself.

  5. Good Luck in February. My pregnancy in September was from a Letrozole -IUI and it worked on our first try!! We m/c in Nov but hope to try again in Feb!!! Good Luck and rest easy :)

  6. I have so much hope for you. As hard as it is to wonder what you could have done differently, it really is better to keep your eye on the prize and keep moving. I went through this a lot when we found out I had left over products of conception after my first d&c. It took months to find out, and I was PISSED. But, here we are, right?

    I will be excited to cheerlead for you in February!

  7. Best wishes as you recooperate! It's so hard to find a balance between research and action. I'm not sure where that balance is... Hoping that 2012 brings good things.