You see them everywhere: the young fertiles. It stings. Why them and not me? Recently, it got personal for me. I found out the kids I used to babysit are now having kids. How is that possible? Didn't time freeze when they were 10?
I recently discovered that a former babysitting client works in my husband's department. I grew up and babysat two states away and don't often run into people from that life. Small world.
My husband found out this kid is married and has a child, which is perfectly reasonable and expected given that he's in his late 20's. It kinda blew my mind, though. I met (re-met?) him and his wife and new baby at a party at my husband's department and had my mind blown even more.
I'm supposed to have children before the kids I babysat have them, obviously. Sure, life's not fair and everyone faces different battles, but it's so easy to get caught up in self pity sometimes. Something releases within me a bit when I admit to myself that it's just not fair, go cry in the bathroom at work, and move on.
I'm finding myself dwelling in pity-party land a lot lately, though. The holidays are tough and I'm angry that I have a surgery coming up soon—removal of a uterine septum and a polyp. Last New Year's, I was preparing for my laparoscopy. This New Year's will be one day after my septum/polyp resection and I'll probably be on painkillers instead of champagne.
We hope to be cleared to try again after I heal from the surgery. My repeated pregnancy loss panel came back normal, which my doctor said bodes well for us. I'm trying to feel good about that but secretly wishing we had a more definitive answer for our losses. If they'd found something treatable, something other than the septum that may or may not be a problem, we'd fix it and get our baby. I know in reality it's not that easy but the inconclusive diagnoses are so scary in their own way.
I'm happy to be taking part in my second ICLW. Welcome to my blog!
Good luck with the septum surgery! And that's great that your loss panel came back normal. Hopefully this surgery will do the trick. Take care and glad to see you posting again!
ReplyDeleteHi Cornfed! I have tried to comment on your blog 3 TIMES today with no luck. I don't know why Blogger hates me. Have you tested again?
ReplyDeleteI've been MIA because of work. How dare it cramp my blogging style!
Hope you are soon well and on your way to trying again.
ReplyDeleteHi! Nice to meet you. I recently was sent a friend request on facebook from a girl I used to babysit. In her profile picture were not one... not two... but THREE kids. I remember hearing she was pregnant with #1, but that was only a couple years ago okay, maybe 3 years and she's been pumping out babies ever since). Really, it just sucks plain and simple!
ReplyDeleteThe holidays are tough. I love Christmas, but it's hard to know that another year has gone by...and still no baby! Sorry your babysittees are now hiring babysitters. It's like the world is spinning off-course!
ReplyDeleteYeah that's a tough one girl! It's awful to see these kids 10-15 years our junior with kids running around! But I think you hit the nail on the head with this, "Something releases within me a bit when I admit to myself that it's just not fair, go cry in the bathroom at work, and move on." It does help to release it instead of holding it in. xoxo
ReplyDeleteMy infertility is as of yet unexplained, so i get your frustration. And yes, it totally stings when those we thought we so much behind us in age and life end up pregnant. i know people who are now pregnant and only starting trying this year, which means they have never known a holiday season while TTC. This year is my third. It sucks and I'm bitter. I hope things get better for both of us next year.
ReplyDeleteHi! Happy ICLW. This time of year is definitely tough. I kind of went the backwards route, did all these treatments and then found out I had adenomyosis (and I probably have endo too- waiting to get my surgery scheduled.) Anyways, just wanted to lend you some support over the holidays. I too have had several miscarriages and the grief definitely ebbs and flows. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteJess
http://alittleblogaboutthebiginfertility.wordpress.com
oh im here from ICLW, thanks for the welcome, nice to meet u, hope all goes well with ur surgery
ReplyDeleteVisiting from ICLW and wishing you the best with your upcoming surgery. I had surgery two October's in a row and was bummed to be in a similar place a year later. Hoping everything gets worked out and that you are cleared to start TTC soon.
ReplyDelete@Slynn--nice to meet you, too! 3 KIDS already--how is that possible?
ReplyDeleteOyy... the kids that I babysat are starting to get old enough (a few just graduated undergrad this year). I hope I have kids first! I kind of thought about that when I got married, because some of my camp counselors (who I am facebook friends with) were not married yet but were dating. And I thought, I wonder what they think about me getting married before them?
ReplyDeleteYou are allowed to be pissed off. I'll be pissed in your honor as well. That is not fair. Gd willing next Christmas you will have your baby in your arms.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how hard unexplained IF is. I am glad the RPL panel came back clean though. Sending you big hugs.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best of luck with that. I have found the only real defense against self-pity is not to pity yourself, but of course that's sometimes easier said than done. I've never experienced your particular problem, but I used to pity myself a lot for the fact that my dad died when I was 20. Still do sometimes. And the only thing I've ever found to be really helpful is simply refusing to pity myself.
ReplyDelete+followed
I'm sorry there wasn't a quick fix found for your IF, but I really do hope the surgery to correct the septum is 'all' that is needed. I had a lap surgery for endometriosis 2 years ago and I was so bummed that I didn't get pregnant right away. In the beginning I hated the 4 little scars I got from it. Silly, I know.. but sometimes, we can't always help how we feel. Emotions are funny things and major a part of us. *hugs* And wishing you a not too painful recovery.
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW.
Praying that this be ur last NYE in limbo. I think there is a time for all things including grief and pity. We need to acknowledge it, give it its deserved time, then stride forward. For everyone the time needed is different and you will know when you're ready to go forward. I have found though that with IF it is a roller coaster and that while you may have months of plenty you will have months of famine. Just know that its not forever and that you are not alone. xoxoxo ICLW #31
ReplyDeleteGood luck with surgery and be kind to yourself. I hope the holidays next year find you with a little one of your own.
ReplyDeleteThis post really resonated with me. I too find it hard to see people who I clearly remember as infants walking around with strollers. It's an especially bitter pill as we've been trying for 2 yrs with no results and because we're currently being lapped by these same individuals.
ReplyDeleteWhat gives me comfort in the knowledge that one day, when I hold my children, I will be able to tell them with pride that they were wanted so much, that their father and I fought hard to get them. That they are special because of it.
Happy ICLW
Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate your comments.
ReplyDeleteI've had the experience of those I babysat having children ahead of me, as well. It's a very tough pill to swallow. On top of that, having a surgery to prepare for? You definitely have my thoughts and prayers coming your way. I hope you get the all clear soon and get your baby without any more losses.
ReplyDeleteICLW #60
I am really glad that your RPL panel came back clean. That is really great news - but I also understand your frustration at not having any answers. It is really difficult - you can drive yourself crazy with the 'why'.
ReplyDeleteHoping your surgery goes well and you get the all clear soon.
PS. The young fertiles are everywhere in my office at the moment.
HI There,
ReplyDelete1st time reading your blog I just joined! I too have Endo and have been through 4 miscarriages... I could not get answers from my last prengancy loss... I am so glad you were able to get some results.
Good luck and I'll be thinking of you!!