Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Please Pick Me

Our adoption website went live last week and it's rather terrifying.  TOTALLY did not expect to be so emotional.  I confess that when I heard of the adoption wait as being difficult, I pshawed.  How could it possibly compare to the torture of waiting, cycle after cycle, to see if a period arrived?

It's not really the same beast.  My body isn't involved at all, thank God.  I usually have no idea what cycle day I'm on.  I don't obsessively examine every twinge in my abdomen and hint of nausea.  No need to worry about having sex on certain days.  No more RE visits.

The wait still sucks, though.  Truly.  Since we're doing domestic newborn adoption, we have to wait for a birthmom to choose us.  And day to day, when I go to bed, I feel a sense of rejection that we have not been chosen that day.  Not even been interviewed by phone.  Not been emailed.

I realize I am being slightly ridiculous because our profile has only been up for one week at this point.  And....we have already received one call.  She was perfect and wonderful and I immediately fell for her.  For some reason, I had expected to keep some sort of distance from birthmothers when they called, some kind of protective barrier to keep from being hurt.  The barrier was promptly smashed and I don't think I can possibly hope for distance anymore.

The birthmother called on Friday night and hasn't called again.  I don't have her contact info for various reasons, so I just have to wait.  It feels like waiting on a guy to call times 1000.  Miserable.

Even if she doesn't call back, I know I learned a lot from the call and am better prepared for others.  When she called, we spent most of the time chatting and getting to know one another, and I didn't ask a few critical questions.  Like, will the birthfather sign the consent forms?  Huge question.

So there was that call on Fri, and a hint of a call on Sat night.  Someone from a nearby area code where a lot of birthmoms live called but didn't respond when my husband picked up.  I was gone at book club.  We're realizing that I'm the key player here, not my husband.  We knew the focus would be more on me, we just hadn't realized how much that would be the case.  Which makes rejection even more personal.  UGH.

One reason I hadn't been adequately prepared for the wait is that my sample size of people using this website is very small, and some friends of ours got several calls very quickly.  They're young and awesome and in demand, obviously, and had a baby ONE MONTH after posting their profile.  Yeah.  So it's hard not to feel some bizarre sense of competition, and feeling like we're failing.

Ok, pity party over.  Called my psychiatrist yesterday and we have a plan to deal with my heightened mood lability (ie, crying a lot).  I'm 100% confident that I'll feel a bit better soon.

My heart is with Boston.  This atrocity is so hard to comprehend.  I used to run a lot of races, including half marathons, and made a lot of runner friends.  This is hitting so close to home for them, as many of them have run Boston or aspired to.  I just can't believe this happened.

We posted our adoption website on Facebook and it's so uncomfortable.  It feels like a big declaration of my uterus being faulty (no, have not resolved my anger towards my body), and like we're asking people to endorse us as parents.  Other people get to have sex and then announce a pregnancy a few months later, and  I have to ask people to vote for me as a parent.  Great.

Ok then!  Could not stay our of pity territory for long, oops. :P

Part of my plan to get through the waiting it to stay busy.  My policy is not to turn down any social opportunities, plan lots of weekend activities, etc.  And relish finishing up the nursery.  It is getting close--apparently painting a mural is easier said than done--and I want to enjoy the last of our decorating time.  We WILL have a baby to occupy it, and it will hopefully not be too long from now.


  1. The wait is torturous. I'm very excited that your profile is live and that you already got a call. Yay!!! In the meantime, distraction is key. It's hard enough waiting without worrying about why things aren't happening quickly.

    Hang in there. I know that all of this is hard, but I also believe that very soon you will be holding your child.

  2. I can only imagine just how very tough the wait is and I do hope that good things come your way very soon!

  3. That's great news that your profile is live and that you already got a call! I can't imagine how torturous the wait is- but you are right- stay busy, busy, busy!

  4. My parents adopted my brother, he is older than me by a year. They too were nervous and anxious the whole time they had to wait for their newborn to be placed with them too. I hope you don't have to wait too long.

  5. Oh my gosh, you should be elated that you've gotten two calls already! (Even if one did hang up suddenly). Honestly, I hear about couples who wait over a year before getting called, so this is really promising news... your profile is doing a great job and I'm sure you'll end up with a baby far sooner than you imagined -- holding my breath with you!

  6. Wow! That seems like a lot of action on the adoption front, no? I'm sure it's just as anxiety causing if not more than re visits! Even more out of your control! But I am sooo excited for you! This is all awesome news!!!

  7. This is all good news. I know waiting to be 'picked' can feel really stressful and feed self-doubt, but I know that you two have done all you can. Try to fill your days and know that when the right fit comes along, you will finally meet your child.

  8. I think you are entitled to a pity party now and then, but wise to get some help in dealing with all of this. Waiting for the calls IS stressful, and all of the feelings you described are totally understandable and normal. I agree that you need to stay busy, resist any urge to sit by the phone, and just focus on you, your family, and the precious space you are creating in your home and heart for the new little one! I'd do something like fill a notebook with "letters" to your child to be. Write something positive down for your child to read one day...every time you get scared, feel self doubt, or do or do not get a phone call. Just a thought.
    I'm so excited that you have made it to this point, because, as hard as this waiting is, I really think you'll be parents soon! Any birthmom would be lucky to find you.

    Oh, and my last (sort of cliche) piece of advice as a new parent? Enjoy each other now and go on lots of date nights! As soon as your baby comes home (and that could be any day!!!) it's all about them for a long time.

    Thinking of you and holding my breath.

  9. Just found your blog. We have been TTC for 3 years and trying to adopt for 2 years, so I understand! Everything you're going through is totally normal. And hard. You are so right, the two paths are totally different beasts, but just as difficult in their own ways. In the beginning it felt like being picked last for the dodge ball team in elementary school :( At one point, I was even upset that a birth mother "scammer" hadn't contacted us - something our agency told us happened frequently (not to worry, it eventually happened). I don't know that I have any good advice, other than to say the wait does get easier (a little). Some people get picked in a month and some people wait years, but ultimately, you want the right match for you, your baby, and your baby's birth family. In the end, I believe it will be worth the wait.

  10. Congrats on going "live" - wishing you lots of luck in the wait!