Yesterday I heard something weird: my voice, singing in the car with the radio. It happened again today.
It's little things like this, realizing that I haven't sung in the car for months, that make me appreciate how shitty the past few months have been. But this week has been different. I think I've turned a corner, guys.
Last week was the worst one, emotionally speaking, in quite a while. Cried to my pelvic pain doc for 20 minutes on the phone. Sent tearful emails to my psychiatrist. Insomnia.
I was still in a really bad place this past Monday, but everything shifted slightly on Monday evening. I made myself cook dinner and realized the pain had decreased. Tuesday was even better and I cooked dinner again—shocking. The relief has continued, which is the longest stretch I've felt better in many months.
For the record, it still sucks. My TENS unit is keeping me sane; we're going steady again since I overcame some trust issues. I'm still not doing any physical activity to speak of, but I've at least rejoined my coworkers' lunchtime walking group for a few minutes before I have to turn around.
Not surprisingly, my mood has improved significantly. Fewer problems sleeping, etc.
Oh, and I almost forgot to explain what I think is responsible for my improvement: my physical therapist. After our initial sessions, I was afraid she was killing me because I felt worse. Then we figured out it was probably because our initial sessions coincided with my Pill trial (epic fail), so PT was probably not to blame. I stuck with it, seeing my therapist weekly, and her treatment last week (internal pressure points, if that's not TMI) was a revelation. My pain was worse for a couple of days, which is to be expected, but then it was better than it'd been in months.
Please cross your fingers with me that this improvement lasts. I feel like I'm starting to get my life back again and am desperately clinging to it.
In the midst of last week's depression, my husband and I met again with our local adoption resource. I can't say much more about the resource without divulging my location, but if you want more info, feel free to email me (see my "Contact" tab).
The meeting restored my hope that we can do this, that this can really happen for us. The couple, who are adoptive parents themselves, gave us tons of information about the adoption process, from first steps to the legal paperwork after the baby is born. The information on initial steps was key because I've been flailing, not researching anything at all because I've felt too overwhelmed (and, well, consumed by pain).
So, first up is getting fingerprinted. The couple told us where to go to have it done...we can do this. I have to keep repeating that to myself.
The hubster is not 100% on the adoption train yet but is game to start the process. If (or, as I'm telling myself, "once") we commit to adopting, it will help if some of the initial time-consuming steps are out of the way.
I've been telling more people what we've been going through, from infertility to chronic pain to possibly adoption. Nothing like a TENS unit stuck to my hip to shred any last bit of secrecy. I've been happy to share more, though.
I am getting a lot of people telling me that adoption is wonderful and, well, you know what's coming: "Who knows, you might get pregnant in the meantime!" Or that adopting doesn't mean that we can't pursue a bio baby later, since I'm "only" 35 (in my head, it's "35 is so close to death, and maybe I'll grow old and die before I can raise a child!" and that type of hysteria). I tell people that I'm pretty convinced that a bio baby is out of the question, though, and that we'll be actively preventing pregnancy. This usually leads to looks of confusion.
I need to write a whole post about why I don't want to pursue getting pregnant ever again, starting with seven months (217 days) of severe pain. Post will include 2 miscarriages and my desire never to go through that again. I'm not saying I'm incapable of changing my mind, but with each passing day of pain, and time off from TTC and all the BS that accompanies it, I'm more and more certain.