Friday, October 12, 2012

Singing, Cooking, and...Adopting?

Yesterday I heard something weird:  my voice, singing in the car with the radio.  It happened again today.

It's little things like this, realizing that I haven't sung in the car for months, that make me appreciate how shitty the past few months have been.  But this week has been different.  I think I've turned a corner, guys.

Last week was the worst one, emotionally speaking, in quite a while.  Cried to my pelvic pain doc for 20 minutes on the phone.  Sent tearful emails to my psychiatrist.  Insomnia.

I was still in a really bad place this past Monday, but everything shifted slightly on Monday evening.  I made myself cook dinner and realized the pain had decreased.  Tuesday was even better and I cooked dinner again—shocking.  The relief has continued, which is the longest stretch I've felt better in many months.

For the record, it still sucks.  My TENS unit is keeping me sane; we're going steady again since I overcame some trust issues.  I'm still not doing any physical activity to speak of, but I've at least rejoined my coworkers' lunchtime walking group for a few minutes before I have to turn around.

Not surprisingly, my mood has improved significantly.  Fewer problems sleeping, etc. 

Oh, and I almost forgot to explain what I think is responsible for my improvement:  my physical therapist.  After our initial sessions, I was afraid she was killing me because I felt worse.  Then we figured out it was probably because our initial sessions coincided with my Pill trial (epic fail), so PT was probably not to blame.  I stuck with it, seeing my therapist weekly, and her treatment last week (internal pressure points, if that's not TMI) was a revelation.  My pain was worse for a couple of days, which is to be expected, but then it was better than it'd been in months.

Please cross your fingers with me that this improvement lasts.  I feel like I'm starting to get my life back again and am desperately clinging to it.

In the midst of last week's depression, my husband and I met again with our local adoption resource.  I can't say much more about the resource without divulging my location, but if you want more info, feel free to email me (see my "Contact" tab).

The meeting restored my hope that we can do this, that this can really happen for us.  The couple, who are adoptive parents themselves, gave us tons of information about the adoption process, from first steps to the legal paperwork after the baby is born.  The information on initial steps was key because I've been flailing, not researching anything at all because I've felt too overwhelmed (and, well, consumed by pain).

So, first up is getting fingerprinted.  The couple told us where to go to have it done...we can do this.  I have to keep repeating that to myself.

The hubster is not 100% on the adoption train yet but is game to start the process.  If (or, as I'm telling myself, "once") we commit to adopting, it will help if some of the initial time-consuming steps are out of the way.

I've been telling more people what we've been going through, from infertility to chronic pain to possibly adoption.  Nothing like a TENS unit stuck to my hip to shred any last bit of secrecy.  I've been happy to share more, though.

I am getting a lot of people telling me that adoption is wonderful and, well, you know what's coming: "Who knows, you might get pregnant in the meantime!"  Or that adopting doesn't mean that we can't pursue a bio baby later, since I'm "only" 35 (in my head, it's "35 is so close to death, and maybe I'll grow old and die before I can raise a child!" and that type of hysteria).  I tell people that I'm pretty convinced that a bio baby is out of the question, though, and that we'll be actively preventing pregnancy.  This usually leads to looks of confusion.

I need to write a whole post about why I don't want to pursue getting pregnant ever again, starting with seven months (217 days) of severe pain.  Post will include 2 miscarriages and my desire never to go through that again.  I'm not saying I'm incapable of changing my mind, but with each passing day of pain, and time off from TTC and all the BS that accompanies it, I'm more and more certain.


  1. So great that you're feeling back on track again! I honestly feel like 2012 was the year of trying and failing for so many people (myself included). High hopes for 2013, I'm telling ya. :)

    1. 2013 will be our year, most definitely. :) Thanks!

  2. I'm glad to hear that you're singing again. It's amazing what comes back when you start to feel like yourself. Hoping that the pain begins to subside even more.

    I too have found that many people have told me about adoption leading to a bio baby. As in adoption is another type of fertility treatment. Grrr. Hang in there and know that there are those of us who are cheering you on and hoping for as smooth of a process as your take this path towards expanding your family.

    Much love.

    1. Yeah, adoption isn't a fertility treatment. And getting pregnant wasn't my biggest problem; staying pregnant was, which I know you understand well.

      In addition, I have medical reasons for trying to avoid pregnancy, and people can't grasp that I'll never go the TTC route again, even after I feel better.

  3. Singing in the car? Wow you are doing a bit better. Wishing that life could be easier for you pain wise. J walks around with his tens unit attached to his belt too. Wishing I could use one now too but with ttc it is a no-no.

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  5. I would think that with adoption, once you just take that first couple of steps, like fingerprinting, it all just kind of unravels from there and makes much more sense, as you collect the clues along the way. So congrats to you for finding a mentor to help you and it will feel SO good to get the finger prints done. Sometimes it just takes the first step. If you look at the whole picture, it's SO much work, but little by little you can do it. And gosh, once you've made the investment of all your time, this is going to be your guys' thing and you'll totally rock it and your husband will definitely get on board I would think once you have some successes, like YES! Check that off the list. :)

    I'm really curious to know ALL the steps and be more familiar with the process, and would love to follow that journey if you're willing to blog about it. I always want to know what people put in their books for the agency, or videos, etc.

    I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better. :)

  6. This is a very uplifting post and I am so happy you are feeling better. I think your choice to pursue adoption makes perfect sense and I hate when people who don't get it, tell you that you may get pregnant while you wait. I have to tell people all the time that IF we happen to get spontaneously pregnant later it would be a miracle because I plan on being on birth control to help with my pcos. That just stare.

    Congrats on some major progress hon.

  7. So nice to hear, all of this - that you're singing in the car, that the pain has decreased, and that your hope in adoption is restored! As the others have suggested, try thinking of the process in steps - anything is overwhelming when it is a big amorphous mess, but when you look at the procedure, it becomes much more attainable.

    Hoping that the streak of progress you describe here just keeps going and going!

  8. I'm so happy to read that things are looking up! I'm really hoping for you that the trend continues. :)

  9. I'm so glad to read this post!

    Like everything, taking this one day at a time, one step at a time ... will make the path ahead clearer. And hopefully with each day, more pain-free.


  10. I'm so happy to hear things are getting better. A step in the right direction.

  11. Singing in the car! Always a good sign.

    I don't know what state you're in so laws may vary but I just wanted to share my experience. We were advised by our agency not to start the fingerprinting, etc until we were closer to actually pulling the trigger on fully starting the process. Most of the background checking etc is only good for one year and then you have to do it all over again so we were advised to do it as close to our home study as possible so we weren't doing it over and over again til we were ready. It may vary depending on the type of adoption you're looking into and where you are but it might be worth checking into?

    1. Ooh, thanks for telling me. I'll look into it--would hate to pay for everything twice.

  12. Sounds like you are in a good place. :)

  13. Thinking of you today as you remember the angels you lost. I'm so happy that you are finding some joy again. It has been a rough year - hoping that the next year brings some closure and happiness to you and your hubby.

  14. Hi! I'm so sorry for not visiting/commenting earlier!

    Adoption, yes! I'm excited for you. I wish I could say that the whole adoption process is devoid of ups and downs, but I can't. It's sucky too. The part I found the hardest at the beginning was managing people's reactions to everything. Once you decide to adopt, everything is so public. And people have a million questions and what they consider to be consolations.

    The whole "you can still have a bio baby" thing makes me want to scream. I know that it's well-intentioned, but it's a statement that diminishes the reality that your adopted child is your child. Like in every sense of the word, with the exception of genetics. I can't even express how upsetting the whole thing is... I do know that you understand.

    Best of luck - I've added you to my blogroll so that I can follow your journey! :)