Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Me 101

Since this is an infertility/loss blog, I'll dive right into where I am with the process. I'm 34 and subfertile. Been trying to get pregnant for over two years, with two miscarriages along the way. This will be our first baby. My amazing husband is 40.

We found out I was pregnant for the second time a few days after my husband's 40th birthday. He was so happy that it looked like things were turning a corner for us, and thought it was pretty special that it was happening at such a milestone birthday for him. I know he was excited for the first pregnancy, too, but this time was different. We'd been trying for an additional 1.5 years, a surgery (laparoscopy), lots of fertility tests, lots of fertility sex, and finally, a medication to promote ovulation (letrozole). I'm sure the extra time had given him space to settle into the whole baby concept.

After going through many cycles with no pregnancies, we knew we were very lucky to get pregnant our first cycle on letrozole. To only have to take a few pills and not do a more invasive treatment was a huge gift. There was a fetus this time, an actual baby on the ultrasound. Our first pregnancy had resulted in a blighted ovum, which was a big fake-out. It's like the sac is playing this cruel joke about growing something inside it--"I'll give you all of the pregnancy symptoms but there's nothing going on in here!" After finding out there was no heartbeat this time, I started sobbing while the doctors continued trying to find something on the ultrasound. There was a little part of me under the shock and devastation that was happy I could see a baby this time. My self-congratulations were short-lived. The ultrasound doctor said that this type of miscarriage is more worrisome than the last. Once there's a fetal pole, stuff is less apt to go wrong.

But it did. And I'm dealing. It's been one and a half months since my D&C and I'm ok. In some ways this one has been easier to deal with. In my less confident moments, I attribute all of the difference this time around to the Prozac I started taking several months ago. But I think it's also easier because I've changed. My psychiatrist said recently that she doesn't think I'm avoiding the grief from this miscarriage, which was my concern. She thinks I'm making healthy adaptations to the heightened level of stress in my life.

I guess. I do feel better prepared to handle what life throws at me these days. I feel stronger, more resilient. But I also feel battered. And cynical. Like this will never work and my biggest fear will be realized: I won't be a mom. I keep reminding myself that chances are good that we'll get there somehow, but the fear still lurks under all of the reassurances I channel its way.

I'm brand new to writing like this. I'm a medical writer by trade, which gives me just enough understanding of medicine to pepper my doctors with a million questions at every visit, but not enough actual medical knowledge to really know what's going on. I guess we all have to eventually just trust the doctors, but it's so difficult. Anyway, blogging and writing about myself in a creative capacity is entirely new to me.

What am I looking for with this blog? A place to be a little creative. To express my frustrations and joys. To find and give support. Thanks for reading!


  1. I really like the name of this blog. It acknowledges a facet of becoming parents that most people never contemplate when they get started: the fact that it might not work right away, that it might not work naturally at all, that you may be faced with choices you hoped you wouldn’t have to make, that you might consider doing things you never thought you would do. In short, you may have to approach the journey to parenthood differently than you imagined. When I started my own journey 3 years ago, I figured that because I had spent my twenties afraid of becoming accidentally and inconveniently pregnant, it would happen magically when I decided I wanted it to. That because I am a planner, and have been able to plan and work hard to achieve other things in my life, this was no different. I was wrong; it can require a willingness to detour. To pee on sticks, to take temperatures, to have sex when you don’t feel like it, to have uncomfortable tests, to have uncomfortable conversations, and to make uncomfortable decisions. It can require willingness to do things you never thought you would do, or maybe even swore that you wouldn’t. This comes with all kinds of emotional consequences that I am excited to explore with you in this blog! Kudos to you for getting it started.

  2. Thanks, Becky! I really struggled to find a name for the blog. There are so many clever names out there already in the infertility community. I know what you mean about being a planner. You're used to getting what you work for, and not being able to control this in the same way is uncomfortable and scary. I'm thinking of you all the time and hoping for the very best.

  3. Saw your blog on LFCA ... welcome to this community! I hope that you find it as welcoming and supportive as I have along this journey. Your post about what you are choosing to remember is both beautiful and poignant. *hug*