Still Benched

My hysteroscopy yesterday dealt us another setback and I'm feeling numb. 

My husband dropped me off at the clinic 30 minutes early because he had a work commitment he couldn't get out of.  I told my sister to come pick me up around 10:30.  That's kind of how it is these days.  Get a ride from whomever is available, go home, sleep it off.  Repeat.  Procedures and anesthesia seem to be my new normal.  My uterus has been poked around in five times in the last 6 months, three of those with anesthesia. 

So having one or two more procedures in the next couple of months won't make much of a difference, right?  Yeah, right.  Waiting for just an opportunity to conceive has become really hellish.

My doctor removed a little more scar tissue yesterday.  She hesitated to call it scar tissue, like maybe it wasn't quite bad enough to fit that criteria, but I'll call it that for lack of a better term.   One area in the upper left corner of my uterus just doesn't want to behave.

I need to have another hysteroscopy next month to make sure it healed.  My doctor gave me the option of trying to conceive this month, since my follicles are rarin' to go after taking letrozole, but I can't.  I told her I'm not in a gambling mood.  If scar tissue puts me at risk of miscarriage, why would I risk it?  I'm desperate but not reckless. 

My procedure next month will need to be performed at the surgery center instead of the clinic.  My doctor wants to have access to special surgical scissors in case she sees more scar tissue.  If she does remove more scar tissue then, she'll insert a balloon afterward to promote healing.  Then there was something about removing more of my septum so that the balloon is more effective, something that didn't make total sense in my Versed/fentanyl haze.  She's going to call me today to discuss it further.  Oh, yeah, and I would need to have yet another hysteroscopy in April to check out the healing.

In addition to the whole waiting thing, which SUCKS, I'm not psyched to go to the surgery center again.  My surgery in December was there and while everyone was super nice, it was quite a process.  Lots and lots of instructions and phone calls before the surgery, hard-core anesthesia that required a longer recovery, and an audience of anesthesia people, surgical nurses, and random people off the street who wanted to see my freakish uterus up close and personal.  I much prefer feeling less like a circus act at the clinic with just my surgeon and one nurse in attendance.

My husband wants to do another letrozole cycle next month in case everything looks good at uterus imaging session number 252.  I was on board at first but am not feeling it anymore.  First of all, I have zero hope that my uterus will look stunningly clear.  Its track record lately isn't very good.  Second, letrozole isn't a walk in the park.  Taking it makes me giddy with hope, and I'm just not willing to be let down by an aborted attempt like this month.  Not to mention the side effects.  They admittedly don't get bad for me until the last day of taking it, but at that point my fatigue becomes crushing and I almost start crying in the produce department because I can't find my husband.

I'm pretty devastated.  I knew we might not be able to try this month, but holding onto hope that we could was keeping me going.  Two or three or four months isn't a long time in the scheme of things, and when you aren't the one going through it, it's really not.  But when it's your life and your body, it feels like it will never end.  In the next few months, I'll turn 35, lose my opportunity to have a 2012 baby, and possibly get closer to losing my mind.

I have to say, though, you guys are helping to keep me sane.  Your support has been tremendous and is making such a difference in my life.  I am enjoying getting to know each of you.  Thank you!